Rough Patches in Our Open Relationship

My latest DA post went live: The Cons I’ve Experienced in My Open Relationship.

This one was tough for me to write at the time, and is still not my favorite to read. It’s just kind of downer for me to reflect on some of the major difficulties I have had! Haha 🙂 But I suppose it’s also a great thing to see that I/we got through them.

Hotwifing Porn?

I received an anonymous comment about the lack of hotwifing porn. Specifically, this person expressed a desire for less explicit porn that leaves most of the story up to the imagination, but shows the soft lead-up: sexy outfit, having drinks, flirting, making out, grinding on the dance floor. Another primary component of the porn this person is seeking shows the progression of the woman’s attitude, from “No way am I fucking someone else!” to “Okay, just one drink” to flirting and grinding on the dance floor to having sex. The personality of the hotwife matters to this reader: instead of acting like a “porn star,” the hotwife in the porn should show more reserve and progression in attitude.

I don’t seek out hotwifing porn, so I can’t really speak to where to find this kind or if it exists (and this reader was adamant that it doesn’t). However, I do have some other thoughts (J helped with some of these). 

-Most men who are turned on by hotwifing fantasies are usually only really turned thinking about their significant others/partners/wives as the hotwife. So hotwifing porn, no matter how well it’s done, may not be satisfying because it’s not your wife in the porn. 

-If you want to show your potential hotwife porn from the genre as a means to show her what hotwifing is about, maybe you want to rethink your strategy, given the lack of softer hotwifing porn. What about reading erotica together? Create your own fantasy plot lines. Dirty talk together, with her as the star.

-Maybe you have a blockbuster porn idea! 🙂 Maybe write to some porn companies??

-I’m out of ideas. I wish I had more! Thanks for comment, friend! I’ve been trying to get my hotwife readers to write to me for a long time…

Dating Monogamous People

How would you usually deal or cope with the idea if J was interested in seeing someone that was single and not familiar with the open concept, but wanting to know more? I’m having a difficult time relaxing about it, so I thought maybe hearing someone else’s perspective on it might help a bit.

I think this is a pretty common sentiment. Many people I know in open relationships, myself included, feel threatened thinking about their partner dating someone who may be monogamously oriented and not respect my relationship with J.

I think, too, the idea of J dating single people was initially more threatening for me, because those single people don’t have other partners taking up time and commitment, and so may demand more time and commitment from J. There wasn’t a sort of predetermined “cap” on where the relationship “could go” because other relationships took up time and energy in that person’s life. (I am aware these feelings reflect couple privilege, and a bias toward considering romantic relationships versus familial ones or friendships. These have been feelings of mine, and not my logical conclusions around this issue.)

However, I think it is really important to figure out what exactly you feel threatened by and communicating this to your partner. You can then either ask for something (a behavior change, reassurance, etc.) or simply trust that by expressing your concerns to your partner, they will be sensitive to your feelings.

Also, it is important to try to remember that each person is different. This new  person may end up deciding that they don’t want to operate in an open relationship. The new person may end up deciding they absolutely love open relationships and want more from your partner, happy with how much they have, or are ready to move on from your partner. The person may be someone you get along with really well or someone that you don’t. They may convey a lot of respect toward you and your relationship or disinterest or disdain. So many situations and dynamics are possible, and you simply can’t account for all of them. And you can drive yourself crazy trying to prepare for everything, when it simply isn’t possible.

I think being open as you can toward the unknown can help. What do you know? You know yourself, and you know as much as you can about your partner. You know your work, where you live, what you stand by. Remain in your core to stay open and compassionate.

Practically, figure out strategies that may help alleviate your anxiety: Ask your partner about basic information about the person. Ask to meet the new dating partner. These things may help you get evidence for yourself that the new partner is someone you can basically trust to respect you and your relationship. 

Also: role model what being in an open relationship is all about. This person is new to the world of open relationships? Show them how it’s done! With clear, transparent, and compassionate communication, integrity, and an open heart. By showing yourself, your partner, and the new partner who you are and how you operate, how can you not elicit some level or respect? 🙂

Contacting Exes

I loved this article on how exes “live on” in our lives because of social media. We may still be connected via so many different sites, it can be impossible to escape their ongoing lives. Short of unfriending people, blocking them, and using extreme willpower to keep yourself from checking up on people, exes live on in our social spheres.

What’s the protocol for contacting an ex? The author of this article seemed to have the attitude that contacting exes is simply a consequence of our social media environment. It may bring about uncomfortable, awkward, or self-pitying moments, but it’s not something we can really help at this stage of being so overwhelmingly connected.

Here’s my reality check: we can help it. You can unfriend people, block them so they don’t show up in your feeds- if you really don’t want to be connected to your exes anymore. My personal philosophy about relationship leads me to believe that exes can be friends; relationships have the ability to be dynamic and flexible, given that the individuals are willing to move through that change. 

However, I don’t think this means there aren’t some basic rules of etiquette around contacting exes. An ex asked you to not contact them anymore? Don’t contact them. You and an ex parted amicably but haven’t talked in months? Don’t text them to tell them about your latest sexcapades. You and an ex parted amidst super drama? Don’t message them on Facebook to offer your latest fantasy. All of this, in my opinion, is weird.

Analyze your motivations for contacting exes, and for “checking up on them.” What are you hoping to gain? Does the communication you want to engage in make sense given where your romantic relationship ended, and where any friendship after the break-up has gone? Explicit communication is key: if you want to be friends again, tell them that. Then respect the relationship for how it moves and shifts; don’t force it.

Hot Springs

J and I had plans this weekend to meet up with some open friends at some hot springs near Portland. While, for whatever reason, we didn’t end up running into them, he and I had a pretty fantastic time together.

I had class all day and was super exhausted. But J packed us dinner and offered to drive there and back. We had a nice time talking with each other in the car- I like to talk his ear off about all of my cool psychology and counseling stuffs 🙂 We were able to see amazingly beautiful fall color on our drive. Even seeing the color from the car was refreshing. Our short hike to the hot springs was quiet and lovely.

Once we found a tub to use, we both stripped and got in the tub naked (despite new rules that the outside tubs are not clothing-optional; we heeded the advice of some regulars who asserted that going nude was the way to go). We had a lovely time together: massaging each other, stroking each other… J even fingered me and made me come, and I got him hard several times while we whispered dirty things to each other.

[Despite the multitude of smokers there, who eventually drove us out with their second-hand smoke, we did enjoy ourselves.]

Another fabulous part? After our satisfying walk back to the car, we got into the backseat, tore off our clothes, and did it in the car like a couple of teenagers. J and I haven’t had sex in a car in… years. It was really awesome. We got the windows foggy, I rode him, he rubbed my clit. It was hot.

A rejuvenating end to a long week. Thank you my love.

 

Being Lovers & Not Having Sex

This article was recently posted in my FB Open group, and it sparked a number of thoughts for me:

1. Having a bunch of people that I can be physically (but not necessarily sexually) close with sounds really lovely. Luckily, I feel like I have that. I feel like I have a number of people I can hold hands with, sit close next to, hug, and massage. I love that.

2. I don’t need to “combine stuff” in order to be sexual with someone (I know my regular readers/friends who read my blog already know this about me). But this article again brought up this question for me: What is it about sex for some people that necessitates so much integration with another person before you can have sex? I have theories about individual experiences with sex that could produce this conclusion (insecurities, trauma, personal philosophy, etc.), but this train of thought just doesn’t really resonate with me.
-There’s also the distinction between combining practical life “stuff” (finances, living space, etc.) and intra/interpersonal “stuff” (cognitive, emotional, spiritual, etc.). My perspective still holds, regardless of which “stuff” we’re talking about- that is, I don’t need to be able to “combine stuff” to have a meaningful, enjoyable, satisfying sexual relationship with someone. (Although I understand that for various reasons, some people need to combine various “stuffs” to make their sexual relationships meaningful, enjoyable, and satisfying.)

3. To me, this article was written by someone who values very deep one-on-one interactions with others. Not all of us have the same value structure in our lives around relationships- some of us (and I suppose I am talking about myself here) value a mix of relationships- deep, close, more superficial, casual, etc- in our lives. Each type of relationship adds something important to my life.

4. Also for me: love is present in all of these types of relationships. The intensity varies, the meaning of the relationship varies, the ties I feel to each relationship varies. But love is always there.

What are your thoughts?

Cuckold Reads

I was contacted by an editor asking if I would like to review a couple of new cuckold books coming out in the next couple of months. Although I am slammed with school, how can I pass on something like that?! I hope to be able to read them by the end of December and post my reviews of them. (It’s funny: J is not even interested because cuckolding stories totally turn him off. They don’t turn me on, but I am sure I will at least be entertained by them!)
Here are the cover descriptions:

The Education of a Cuckold ($12.95/5×8 Trade Paperback, $4.95/eBook; 182 pages, ISBN: 978-1-60381-544-4)
Jason is a smart, handsome high school kid, but when he falls hard for Beth, he just can’t drum up enough confidence to bring their close friendship to the next level. Meanwhile he has to watch her date other guys. At the end of the summer before college, Jason finally discovers Beth’s secret: she is sexually voracious. He also makes an uncomfortable discovery about himself: he is too poorly endowed to ever satisfy a woman like Beth. But wait … watching her make it with other men is no small turn-on. College brings more brutal lessons in humility, and Jason despairs of finding his place in the sexual universe. Then, as he begins his adult life, he meets Kristen and for the first time begins to take his extracurricular studies in submission seriously. Under Kristen’s cruel and compassionate tutelage, he learns exactly what it means to embrace his true cuckold nature.

Southern Belle Cuckold ($12.95/5×8 Trade Paperback, $4.95/eBook, 176 pages, ISBN: 978-1-60381-491-1)
When divorcé Michael meets divorcée Catherine at the gym, he’s convinced that she’s the perfect southern girl whose family will blend harmoniously with his. But Cat is not what she seems, not a tame little southern lamb, cultivated and gently reared to stroke his ego. No, she is a wild rose of Texas, a vixen who will stop at nothing to get satisfaction, even if it means jumping the chauffeur in their wedding limo. And that’s only the beginning. After all, Michael is a loving dad and a good provider, but as far as God’s gifts go, his package isn’t quite what it should be. Catherine needs more, a lot more, and he’d better come to terms with that … or else.

Recent Reads

Many Teens Admit To Coercing Others Into Sex
Consent people- teach your kids, please.
 
What Humans Can Learn From A Simple Kiss
I thought this was a neat article! I love the Inuit kiss the author mentions near the end. I’m going to start doing it 😀
 
All My Exes Live in Texts: Why the Social Media Generation Never Really Breaks Up
Still working on this last one- it’s long! But really interesting! And definitely resonates with me.

Read up! 🙂

A Good Fucking Never Hurts & Always Helps

… After J and I saw “Breaking Through” we stopped off at our swingers’ club to meet up with a sexy friend. 

I think my blog post title really sums my feelings from the evening:
A Good Fucking Never Hurts & Always Helps.

Maybe that isn’t always true, but I think it might be (for me)!

It was just a sexy night. I rarely drink, but last night I got nice and buzzed and really felt like my inhibitions were lowered (not that I needed them to be- but it was still fun). My friend and I made out and groped each other, and after not too long, I took him into a room. Delicious oral sex, lots of coming, and lots of pounding ensued. It was so fun! And such a release, so cathartic.

And then coming home with J, and doing that again complete with dirty talking and my Hitachi. Sometimes I feel like my life is so delicious, it just makes me want to laugh and cry.

And then I wake up the next morning, after a kind of crappy day yesterday, and think to myself: I fucking got this. I am ME and I’ll do what feels right! And if it’s being a kick-ass therapist who has different ideas about sexuality and relationships and a different way of operating and a different environment she wants to work in, so be it. I got this.

Breaking Through, Being Out in Politics, & Microaggressions

J and I went to one film from the Portland Gay & Lesbian Film Festival, “Breaking Through,” and it was really fabulous. It was about politicians and public figures who are out. There were a number of gay men and lesbians in the film, as well as one transgender and one bisexual. The point of the film, the filmmaker said, was to inspire hope in LGBTQ people of all ages (but mainly youth) that things can be better. It was inspirational and really well done. I found myself tearing up a number of times at the stories and experiences described. 

It was an important thing for me to attend because I had just gone through the whole day falling apart (which J can attest to). What am I doing? Do I really want to be a therapist? Is this a workable plan? Can I fully be myself and do this as a job? If it’s not this, what do I want to do?

Attending the screening was like the universe’s way of saying: Breathe. Be Yourself. Do What You Want. That’s basically how the filmmaker introduced the film: to anyone living on the margins of society, live authentically to live a joyous life. I almost started crying (again) right then.

So I really can’t say enough good things about the film, except there’s always something 😛

While I thought every person in the film was well-intentioned with their comments and articulations of their experiences, there was one sentence, that once I heard it, I had difficult truly experiencing the rest of the film.

Kate Brown, Oregon’s Secretary of State and bisexual, was recalling the story of how one constituent asked her about being bisexual and what that meant (something along those lines). In response she said something like, Well I’ll tell you that I am monogamous and that’s more than the rest of the guys [politicians] around here could tell you! It was meant to be funny, and many people in the audience laughed.

A microaggression is a brief and subtle way of indicating hostility toward a group and asserting power and privilege over that group. Microaggressions come in many forms:
Women are just emotional.
You know your life will be hard if you are gay, right?
I can’t believe you speak English so well! [to an ethnic minority]
Or, like what my first therapist told me (several times) in response to hearing about our open relationship: You know he (J) could leave you if he met someone else, right?

Kate Brown, although well-intentioned, committed a microaggression (or maybe she did intend it). I think the most common stereotype of bisexual people is that they “all are nonmonogamous” and I could see her wanting to ward off any further stigma. In fact, when J and I introduced ourselves and J asked her a question about the experience of being out as bi but in a straight marriage, she again reiterated “but I am monogamous.” In person, it felt like information (albeit not relevant to the conversation we were trying to have); in the film, it was an aggression toward people who practice nonmonogamy.

Although I do think her statement was made in the context of highlighting cheating/unethical nonmonogamy, she still asserted monogamy as the moral and social preference over not being monogamous. It was difficult for me, from this point in the film on, to remember the filmmaker’s introduction: that this film, while made for the LGBTQ community, was meant to inspire anyone living on society’s margins to live authentically and out.

J and I are going to write to Kate Brown (of course we are!) and just tell her how her comment impacted us.