crushed

Lots of feelings right now:

There is a lot of embarrassed, a lot of sadness, a little rejection, quite a bit of loss, confusion, and frustration.

I have many thoughts, like:

How can you say the sex part feels off when we have both done such a poor job talking about sex? If sexual chemistry feels missing, that is one thing to me. But if it’s the way that the sex works, the mechanics of it- I don’t think we ever gave that a fair shot.

and

I told so many people about how excited I was. The thought of talking about how disappointed I now am is too much.

and

I haven’t been held or touched that way in a long time. I feel grateful for last week, and just so, so, so sad that it is gone.

and

The last woman I was interested in and with whom I tried dating also said she wanted to be friends and to have me in her life. That didn’t happen. I feel skeptical that it will in this case. I also don’t know if keeping this relationship at a platonic level feels right to me.

and

I don’t know why I let myself be so fucking vulnerable with people I don’t even know that well. And I don’t know that I would want to be less vulnerable, either. I just wish that it didn’t hurt so much.

and

There are just so many parts of this person that I admire so much. Her honesty, her ability to express her feelings and experiences, her smarts about social justice and domestic violence, her snarkiness, her obvious internal strength. I am trying to let of that just be, without being touched by all of the other above thoughts and feelings.

I think all of that can just be summed up with one word right now:

Ugh.

Love & Complications

“There must be something in the water
And there must be something about your daughter
She said our love ain’t nothing but a monster
Our love ain’t nothing but a monster
With 2 HEADS!

I turn to you, you’re all I see
Our love’s a monster with 2 heads and one heartbeat
I turn to you, you’re all I see
Our love’s a monster with 2 heads and one heartbeat
We just got caught up in the moment
Why don’t you call me in the morning instead
Before we turn into a monster
Before we turn into a monster with 2 heads
I hope to god I’ll love you harder
I hope to god I’ll love you longer
If only I could live forever
If only I could hold you longer”

~Coleman Hell, “2 Heads”

SAMSUNG CSC

This: https://www.morethantwo.com/gamechanger.html

Specifically: “Game changers change things. That’s kind of the definition. They upset existing arrangements. People confronted with a game-changing relationship will not be likely to abide by old rules and agreements; the whole point of a game-changing relationship is that it reshuffles priorities and rearranges lives.”

“I now affirm that I can let go of loved ones.”

Those of you who know me well, either through this blog or in person or both, know that I feel my feelings quickly and deeply, and that I am often overwhelmed by them. That is just part of who I am, and luckily, my ability to manage them and talk about them has improved as I have gotten older and acquired more and better skills.

What happens, though, when you kiss someone that has, until that point, felt unreachable, and it feels both magnetic and explosive, and the electricity courses through your core out to your fingers and toes? What does that mean?

These are truths: I have not truly and deeply wanted to spend the night with anyone else since J and I opened up, until now. Spending the night with someone has always felt very intimate to me, and not an activity I take lightly, and I am now noticing that I want this. I have been very busy lately. And yet time opens up when something like this happens. I prioritize my limited time with J; it is sacred. And yet I have chosen to spend some of that time with someone else.

Doesn’t that all point to feeling very connected to this person?

Is it possible that their reality is so very different than mine? Can one person be experiencing this rush while the other is lounging back, enjoying a medium-level attraction and sense of fun? The whole situation is making me feel crazy.

My very first date with J, I remember these very thoughts: I am done dating. I am in love. This is it.

And in part, I was wrong: I wasn’t done dating (I didn’t know it then). But those intense and deep feelings of connection, intimacy, trust, and love were very real and very immediate.

I generally trust my gut. I know when I like people and when I can trust them and when I love.

I’m not sure what it is that is causing all of the upset, all of the back-and-forth inside. I think it is partly due to the spontaneity of this connection, the total unexpectedness of it. I don’t know how to express myself anymore, or act like myself. I’m a quivering, nervous mess.

A pattern of mine, that opening up certainly has challenged and helped me to reshape, is to identify people with whom I want to be close, whether it is a friend or potential partner, and to grab on so fucking tight. There is still a part of me that is just deeply afraid that if I don’t grab on, I will be left. If I don’t grab on, this thing will disappear. The connection will be lost. Logically, I know that nothing could be further from the truth and I have been working all week to breathe and relax and enjoy whatever the heck this is.

She told me last night that she had an expectation that I’ve “done” this before, that there was some prescribed model she would just sort of slip into, that it was just a very safe thing for her to explore because it was so clear-cut, that she would just learn a whole bunch from casually dating a married chick.

It is just so interesting to me. How can any one experience or relationship be prescribed in that way? We don’t expect friendships to all be the same. They are shaped by the people in them; every connection is unique. I can understand for someone pretty unfamiliar with polyamory, and unfamiliar with J and I’s stamp on poly, it would be confusing to understand. I also don’t know where she got the idea from that I’ve “done” this a whole bunch before, especially when I consider that chemistry isn’t a dime a dozen- that shit is unique, at least in my life. Having sex and staying the night with someone that I have that intense of chemistry with- that is special.

Help me.

J has been amazingly wonderful and supportive, giving me ample space to enjoy this, to see her even during times we would otherwise spend together, to process my feelings in the ways that I have needed to. It has been incredibly weird to explore all of this new relationship energy. While I have had a handful of intense crushes on women the past few years, this is the first it has manifested into something right in front of me. I have had a lot of practice fantasizing and dreaming and thinking of hypotheticals… Now I am getting to practice how I hold all of these things: my commitment to J and the stability and longevity of our partnership, with this whole ball of crazy emotions for someone new. It feels strange. Not undoable, just new and strange.

This whole thing could blow over- especially because I am afraid my feelings and their depth may have weirded her out (but why would I want to see someone who is weirded out by my feelings, anyway?). Or maybe it won’t. Either way, how grateful I am for the experience runs deep.

I love the love.

Beach Time

We went to the nude beach together. It was our first time at this beach, it was our first time together. We held hands, soft skin on soft skin. Fingers tracing the inside of wrists, elbows, lower backs.

We are laying next to each other. The sky is crazy blue, the beach rocky, the air softly warm (or warmly soft). You give me a back rub with coconut oil, rubbing my back tenderly and gently. We kiss for the first time, and how long I’ve waited. Your lips are soft and full, your breasts firm, your legs strong. I just want you to wrap yourself around me completely and never let go.

I want so desperately to touch and grab your tits and your ass and feel your pussy, even just for a second. But there are people around, and we are both nervous to do more.

I am massaging your lower abdomen and feel for just a second… your pussy is dripping wet. And I can’t take it. I slide one, then two, fingers inside and your moan in my ear. We keep glancing around- there are other groups on the other side of the brush surrounding our spot. I finger you harder and harder, rub your clit just how you like it. You are trying so hard to stay quiet but you are moaning and sighing louder than before. I finger you in waves depending on if we see anyone coming. It keeps you from coming all at once, although you’d like to. And then you do, and your sigh is ecstasy.

I want you on top of me. I want to feel your pussy on my pussy. I want to see your tits bouncing above me. I want to get on top of you and hold your neck tight and make you come hard.

I want to fuck you on the beach again.

We’ll Do It In My Car

I’m dancing. Twirling, spinning, bending over, dropping down, crawling around. Shaking, bouncing, touching, spanking. Eyes, eyes, eyes. Smiles and smirks. Words when they count, silence when it’s better.

The heat is building. You give me more and more of yourself. I slowly draw you out; I can feel your shell breaking slowly, one small piece at a time. This is addicting, this process- this process of seeing your more real self. Finding the gooey center that I can connect to. And today, we’re both red hot, too hot to touch, too hot not to.

You ask for a private dance. I don’t expect anything different. I take your hand and lead you back. I begin, and all I want is to be close. I grab onto your shoulders, your hair, your legs. I breathe softly on your neck and ears. You shiver and squirm ever so slightly and sigh. You want more and so do I.

Wait for me. We’ll do it in my car.

We lock eyes and the intensity is palpable. You nod and I feel the adrenaline in the pit of my stomach and my pussy uncontrollably clench and release.

We leave the private dance room. You sit at the bar, breathing deeply, ask for a drink. I go to the dressing room, breathing deeply, put on more perfume.

And a little later, my shift is done, I’ve locked eyes with other people and danced and made my money. But my focus is undeniably on you and my promise. Wait for me. We’ll do it in my car.

And again, I take your hand, but this time I lead you out to my car. We get in, I drive around the block. It’s dark out, the stars peeping out, the moon large. It’s a quiet night, no one else out. We sit in silence for a minute, before letting the drive take over.

I am in ecstasy and completely succumb to your hands. I lay back as you kiss my neck, my ears, and everything else. Your skin is on fire, your cock is throbbing. And when we can take it no longer, I slide myself on top of you and ride you harder and harder, the waves of coming are overwhelming. I want you on top of me or behind me, but being in a car has its limitations. We plan, in whispers, for our next time. In a minute, you come too, and we are sweaty and exhausted.

Until next time.

Picking Your Third

My latest DA post is live: “How to Pick Your Third for a Threesome”

Read on for my intro:

“You and your partner are ready to dive into some sexual explorations and want to invite another person into your bedroom. Who should you pick?

When J and I invite people into our bedroom, we do so based off some broad principles (which we have talked about before inviting others into our bedroom, and in some cases, figured out together after a disappointing experience).

1. Are we both attracted to the person?

Even if we are going to have an MFM in which J and the other man are not sexually into one another, it’s still important that J be intellectually and mentally connected to the other man.

Determining if we both dig someone else’s vibe, physically and energetically, is an important first step.”

Do you have certain criteria for inviting someone into your bedroom for a threesome?

Smoldering

My heart dropped to my stomach, and the butterflies started.

“Hi!”

I am accustomed to saying hi to people when I am standing naked or half-naked in my club. But all of a sudden I was completely aware of every inch of my nakedness.

“Hi” he smiled. He looked the same as before, but even better.

All of a sudden my Saturday became infinitely more interesting and appealing and exciting. My insides went haywire, my nervous energy went through the roof, my desires electrifying me. As the only customer I had ever had that I would see outside of the club romantically, my usual calm was replaced by smoldering heat.

We sat down at the bar.

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in forever.”

It was true. Last July was the last time, and we both knew it. The summer heat and the chemistry between us had culminated in an erotic time in the private dance room. I had given him free dances because I wanted to be there longer. I mostly sat on his lap, grabbing onto his hair, staying close. It was extremely hot. And then he had left, almost fled, really. And I didn’t see him again, and didn’t know if I ever would again. Until today.

We chatted. I filled him in on my school and work adventures, and then he said:

“I had to reign myself in after that last time I was here. I actually had a girlfriend then and still do… I was afraid that it would have gone further if I didn’t keep myself from coming back in to see you.”

I nodded, unsurprised, unphased. Many people who come in are partnered, and it’s just part of the business. People often want a pseudo girlfriend or to find a fantasy. I fill the role as I please, knowing that the club is as far it goes.

He, however, was afraid that I would be offended that he hadn’t told me the truth. I wasn’t, which he found to be a gracious offering.

My nervous energy continued to ebb and flow, and I found a piece of me totally deflated. Sad. Hungry for the connection that couldn’t be satisfied. Was he coming in as a test to himself? To see if he could leave after one beer? Or two? Or three? During my third set of the time he was there, he finally moved from the bar to the table closest to the stage. When I got off, he said:

“Well it’s confirmed. I can’t resist you. I have to make the executive decision to leave. I have to leave. I have to leave right now.”

My bumbling, fumbling, horribly awkward self was barely able to make coherent conversation while he had been there, and all of a sudden I found myself with even fewer words to hold onto. It was like trying to pick up a bar of soap in the shower, or taking off a wet swimsuit. Horrible and aggravating.

He left after a hug and I didn’t even get a way to stay in touch with him. No number, no last name, nothing.

I had asked earlier, “Will I ever see you again?”

To which he replied: “I don’t know.”

Sexy Friends: Meeting People Online and In Person, and Building Community

J and I are natural homebodies. We don’t drink and we never were into the club or bar scene. You can imagine how the past few months have been so different for us given that meeting with new people often involves a dinner out, meeting for “drinks,” (J editing: Shirley Temples!) or going to a sex club. Frankly, we love our new-found social life. We love that we all of a sudden have so many down-to-earth, funny, sexy, open, honest, thoughtful, intelligent and all-around good people to hang out with. Sometimes we feel like there aren’t enough nights in the week to see everyone we want to!

We have corresponded online with probably around 100 couples and met 20 couples in-person initially (at our local club), met with about 15 for drinks/dinner, and have played, to varying degrees, with five couples and two singles. My point is: we love good conversation and intelligent, scintillating encounters just as much as we love awesome play encounters. Creating a community of open people that we can talk to infrequently or on a regular basis has been incredibly important and meaningful for us, especially since we have very few vanilla friends and family that can relate to our experiences, give advice, ask good questions, and reciprocate with similar stories and sentiments. Making good friends with the people that we meet through online and on-site venues has been just as important to us as finding great sex partners. Just because we don’t have play chemistry with everyone we meet and talk to doesn’t mean that we discount those encounters; they are in fact so of the most important as they have given us more to consider and talk about!

We look for sexy friends through Craigslist and websites that cater to “swingers” (Lifestyle Lounge and Swing Lifestyle are the two we use). We also like to meet people through our favorite “swingers” club. We often look for people who are intelligent and educated, funny, who laugh and smile a lot and aren’t afraid to be expressive and open with their emotions, and who are fit and take care of their bodies. We like sharing ourselves and getting to know people who have similar values: openness, straightforward honesty, respect for their bodies and others’ bodies, an eagerness to learn from others and to experience new things. We also look for similar social and political leanings, mainly because we honestly cannot imagine clicking with folks who don’t believe in the equality of marriage or with people who are homophobic or transphobic. This isn’t about the political party that someone identifies with but just about how they treat people, including us, and how they feel others deserve to be treated.

Because we often meet sexy friends through “sexy friend” venues (online and in person), a transition of some kind often needs to be made: will we stay platonic friends who can openly talk about our sexual experiences? Is there good chemistry? Is play an option? What are everyone’s rules, boundaries, and comfort levels? What are the reasons behind these rules? Are they rules that we can agree to follow? Is it our ideal encounter or something that we think will be fun? Saying “no thank you” to potential playmates can be tough, but I think we have both become better at being direct with people to avoid any weird ambiguity. Perhaps even more difficult is learning to ask for what I (and we) want, both in and out of play. Being assertive with what works sexually and platonically is what makes play and get-togethers fun, and is definitely something that we both have gotten better at.

I love that we are building our own little Pacific NW network of sexy friends, and through this blog, we have actually made connections throughout the country! Also a big thank you to our international readers! We get such a kick out of everyone who reads this blog, and we are so excited to continue to build community through open communication and willingness to bring sexual desires, likes, dislikes, fantasies, and kinks further out into the open!

MFM- The Good and The Bad

K and I have continually been working to figure out exactly what it is that we want out of this “lifestyle” ever since we got into it.  We continually discuss our ideas about what we would like to see happen, what works for us, what we have had the most fun with, and what we would still like to try. 

 

Recently K decided that she would really like to try an MFM so we asked a friend of ours from a couple that we play regularly with to join us.  He, after some conversations with his own partner, agreed to try out the situation with us.  Because I (J) am not bisexual this meant that all of the focus would be on K; a situation that K thought sounded absolutely perfect!  Before getting in to this sort of “lifestyle” the idea of an MFM threesome was not a turn-on for me at all but after talking with K and hearing how excited she was about this sort of scenario, I was completely turned-on!  It helped me to realize that I get really turned on when K is really turned on (something that I had already suspected); so even though an MFM really doesn’t do anything for me personally. . .I was completely on-board with the idea because K was so excited about it!

 

So K and I had an MFM with this friend from another couple we play with frequently and the experience was awesome.  He is a really great guy and very respectful and polite; the three of us have a pretty good friendship and K has an especially good connection with him.  The experience was awesome and I was able to explore a whole new aspect of stuff that turns K on that I had never known about before!  (I am thinking here about the fact that K loves giving and receiving pleasure at the same time with two different men!) Overall the experience was really great because everyone got what they wanted; K got to have twice as much attention on her, J got to see K completely turned-on, and our friend got to be an integral part of making a sexual experience an awesome sexual experience for everyone involved! (Thanks J!)

 

While that MFM was a great experience, not all of them go so well. . .

 

After that MFM (and drawing on her experience and everything we have learned up to this point) K decided that what she really wanted was to meet some men that she thought were attractive and have primarily sexual relationships with them.  She is not comfortable meeting men alone (and we have a rule that before we play separately, we need to meet one another’s partners) so we decided to post an MFM ad on Craigslist and be very specific about what we were looking for.  The ad required people to write in complete sentences, use paragraphs and punctuation, come across as intelligent, and generally seem appealing.  Despite these requirements. . . most people (50+) failed miserably.  However, among the crowd there were a few standouts.

 

We went last night to a local microbrewery to meet with one of the standouts.  He was very polite and we had a good time chatting with him while we ate.  Despite his generally nice demeanor, he still had some characteristics that were a bit of a turn-off such as seeming a bit arrogant and not being willing to express a whole lot of emotion (smiling, laughing, etc).  When he walked away to use the restroom K and I had a rushed conversation about what we should do.  K really wanted my opinion about how to proceed but it was difficult for me to give advice in a situation that was primarily about her pleasure, not mine. After our discussion K decided that she wanted to invite him over and go through with the “MFM.”  I suggested that we merely invite him over to hang out and if it led to more, we could cross that bridge when we came to it.

 

So K invited him over and we watched some of our favorite television shows while chatting with him.  After about 20 minutes of hanging out, I remembered that I had told some friends that I would be online that evening to chat so I told K that I was going to sit at the table for a little bit and chat with them.   During the time that I was chatting with friends online, K asked me a few times if I wanted to do it (while she made out with this M) and I responded that I was still chatting with our friends online.  After about 10 minutes K and (the other M) got up and told me that they were going into the bedroom and that I should come in as soon as I was done chatting.

 

This was a huge turn-off for me.  I felt like I went from being the MF inviting an additional M to being the M invited to join an MF.  I was very put off by the situation so I stayed at my computer and continued to email people because I was not feeling up for joining in on that situation.  K came out to get me after about 15 minutes, which was exactly what I needed in order to not feel left out and I proceeded to join in on the fun.  As soon as I got in the room I was confronted with another issue that we have not yet come across since being involved in “group play” situations. . . the other M was particularly well-endowed (like a horse).

 

I have never before felt insecure about that aspect of my body but coming into this situation, I felt particularly bothered.  I was not immediately bothered by the situation but I did lose my confidence for a minute and felt unsure if I would be able to perform.  Most of the issues around this particular M’s “equipment” came up the next day when I talked to K about the situation.

 

K has often told me when I ask her about this aspect of our playmates, “I didn’t notice anything different.  They seem like they are pretty much the same size as you.”  Her response in this case was not the same at all; she merely looked flustered and embarrassed and said, “Well, it didn’t work for me.”  For some reason, this response only frustrated me more, it didn’t feel honest when she said it because it just seemed like an attempt to make sure that I would not feel insecure about the situation.  We continued to discuss this aspect of the evening throughout the day and it just seemed to get worse the more we discussed it. 

 

I just want to pause here and say, “Yes, I realize that it is completely irrational to feel like someone is going to be more satisfying just because they have a horse penis instead of a human penis.  Yes, I know about the studies of woman who are partnered with men who have micro-penises (less than 3”) actually report being more satisfied than woman partnered with average to well-endowed men.  Yes, I understand that it may be uncomfortable to have something that is particularly large going inside of that space.  YES, I get it all!”  OK, now back to the post.

 

As we were talking about it K made the comment that she could only handle sex of that intensity so often because it is just so intense. This comment only served to irritate me because I want her to describe sex with me as intense, not with some random M.  Apparently this was just a misinterpretation on my part because she meant “intense” as in. . . not good.

 

Anyway, that was only one issue that we ran into throughout the night.  Since K covered the other issues pretty well in her post, the only other issue that I am going to discuss is the blunders that I think this particular M made.

 

1) This M was attempting to have an MF scenario but settled for an MFM.  It was particularly stupid of K and I to allow this M to join us after learning that he was primarily looking for NSA (no strings attached) sex but settled for MFMs because it was easier to find NSA sex in that sort of scenario.  When we learned this about him I was immediately turned off because I thought that this may lead to trouble but K was not bothered by this aspect at all so I let it slide.  Looking back on this, it was a mistake to not point this out to K.  The situation would have been greatly improved if we had merely excused ourselves at that point in the evening.

 

2) This M did not offer to buy his own drinks at dinner.  It was annoying that he did not even reach for his wallet when the bill came.  Enough said.

 

3) This M almost left our house that evening without even saying goodnight to me.  I had gone to use the restroom (gone 60 seconds at most) and when I came out he was just about out of the door.  I didn’t think too much of it at the time but this really bothered K and it meant a lot to me that it bothered her even when I didn’t think much of it.  I think this final blunder was really the biggest mistake this guy make.  It merely confirmed that this guy merely wanted NSA sex in an MF scenario but that he had to settle for an MFM.  Not even saying goodnight to me or that it was nice to meet me was rude and inappropriate and it was probably the main reason we will never see this person again (oh yah, and his horse penis. . . just kidding 🙂 )

 

So, while the MFM can be awesome with the right people, it can also be a major disaster.  Haha, that sounds so obvious when I put it into writing because it is just like everything else in life.  So, this most recent MFM was not great but I am looking forward to another MFM in the future when everyone is excited and respectful and K can have twice the attention and action!

Honesty & Communication

This piece I (K) believe is the most important part of starting this conversation about non-monogamy. J and I already had a pretty solid foundation. If we didn’t already feel so comfortable with each other and were already so honest, we would have never been able to have the conversations that we did.

 

Honesty and solid communication are central to experiencing non-monogamous relationships, for everyone involved. If you aren’t having fun, you have to be able to tell your partner. If you aren’t comfortable with something, you have to be able to tell your partner. Sometimes you really have to be brutally honest with yourself and your partner: yes, I really am very attracted to that person. No, I really did not like it when you did that. It really hurt my feelings, when… I really need you to…

 

A huge part of being honest with each other and communicating well is having, as much as possible, proactive conversations. For us, we like to be able to imagine situations and imagine possible emotions and feelings that arise from those situations. That way, we can attempt to address and work through emotions before ever encountering those situations, and if we don’t think we won’t like something, we either won’t try it or will approach the idea later. It has happened several times already through our relatively short journey that we think that certain activities would be “off-limits” for one or both of us, only to find out that we are actually interested in them. Retroactive conversations for us don’t work; I (K) feel like I might ignore or try to push aside feelings in the moment and not be honest afterwards. If we try something without talking about it first, the experience might not be very enjoyable for anyone because one or both of us could be anxious, stressed out about the experience, or unsure. None of those feelings should be associated with great and fun sexual experiences!!

 

We greatly appreciate honesty and real communication with our other partners. We give honest feedback, and really want others to give us feedback. We want to know, as hard as it might be, to hear if a potential partner is not attracted to one of us, or if they just didn’t feel any chemistry. That is much better, in our opinions, than being led on, only to continue having sub-par experiences because someone is “trying” to be attracted to one of us.

 

I (K) actually wrote everything above a few weeks ago, and came back to continue this conversation about honesty and communication. J and I recently had an experience where I was feeling so overwhelmed that I ignored our #1 rule: we assume that we are both 110% comfortable with what is going on unless one of us says otherwise. I was so caught up with what was going on, that I didn’t take enough time for myself to be honest and communicative. I entered a situation that, in the end, was not something I wanted to experience. I ended up making the whole experience less than great for both of us, and weakened the trust that J and I have. I now know what it feels like to be less than 110% comfortable with a new experience, and I can see how I can avoid a situation like this in the future. It is difficult to interrupt a potentially good time for my partner, but it is extremely important for me to be honest so that a good experience is even possible for any of us. While the entire situation was not ideal, and my reaction to it and ability to communicate were not great, it reminded me to clearly communicate my feelings and any reservations.

 

Honesty and good communication skills were central not just in starting J and I down this road of nonmonogamy, but also are central pieces to our day-to-day lives, and our conversations and continued experiences with new and other partners. I’m sure we will be blogging on honesty and communication as we continue this journey!