Sex Dolls & Sex Toys

A friend passed on this article today: A (Straight, Male) History of Sex Dolls and I think it’s worth a post.

Female-bodied folks use toys to get off: vibrators, butt plugs, dildos, nipple clamps… there is even the Sybian rider (aka the fuck machine) and a Hitachi attachment for the Sawz-all. There’s some intense stuff out there, all to help women feel good and get off, with or without the help of a partner. Male-bodied folks use toys too, and they have a similar range of intensity. There are various kinds of masturbation sleeves and ass/prostate toys and synthetic vaginas and mouths and asses, among many others. And, there are dolls.

And like the article mentions, both men and women buy and use dolls, and 10% of the market is male dolls. However, this leaves the vast majority of dolls female, as well as the vast majority of buyers and users male.

My main question:

Do sex dolls objectify people, and women in particular (since the majority of dolls are female)?

Do sex toys in general distance people from human interaction?

Do sex dolls, toys, and other sexual aids (I’m thinking here of simulated child porn) help or hurt sexual health, equality, and consent?

I think toys in general are awesome. Like birth control, they help people own their sexuality and sexual health, taking responsibility for pleasure and sexual satisfaction. They also are awesome to use with partners and expand a couple or group’s sense of sexual variety, exploration, and intelligence. They aid in personal and relationship awareness, communication, and growth. And for that, I am all for toys.

Are people who own sex dolls patriarchal misogynists with an inability to connect to real people? Or are they simply acting on a kink in a safe way?

I think, with most things, there is probably a spectrum of folks out there using dolls, for a variety of reasons that I would and would not agree with.

For sure, I would rather see someone who gets off on violence against women acting on those desires with a doll than a real person. Similarly, I would rather see a pedophile masturbate to simulated child porn than assault a child.

I also think that dolls are probably a great aid for people who are isolated or have disabilities that make sex with a person difficult or impossible.

And, like several interviewees in the article, there are obviously folks who truly seem to enjoy sex dolls purely because they are dolls. In this way, it just comes across as a kink.

I think the rub comes for me when someone who doesn’t typically or superficially ascribe to patriarchal ideas, like ownership over women’s bodies, uses a doll because of how that relationship could shape that person’s beliefs and attitudes about women in general. Could owning a doll and having sex with it and not having to relate to the doll in ways that one would with another person influence how the doll-owner later interacts and treats women?

And how is a man having sex with a doll different than a woman getting off from a cock-like dildo? I think the difference for me is that doll-owners reportedly “have sex with” their dolls; I’m not sure if I would ever say I had “sex with” my dildo. I got off, I masturbated, I came. But I didn’t have sex with it. The relational aspect of doll ownership and doll sex, and the ownership itself, is what is thought-provoking and potentially concerning.

I don’t have as strong of an opinion as the article’s author does;  I don’t think sex dolls are anti-feminist or immediately objectify and degrade women. Having sex with inanimate objects that resemble women has a long history, and a certain population’s desire for that doesn’t seem likely to go away. Having a healthy outlet for that desire should be available to people, although I feel as cautious about look-alike dolls as I do about simulated child porn. And really, I think my caution has more to do with the fact that it’s difficult to acknowledge that people have desires that create discomfort for me: it’s difficult to acknowledge that people are attracted to inanimate objects and children and even more difficult to say that people with those desires deserve healthy outlets, not only so they don’t hurt people but so they too can have sexually healthy lives.

Thoughts?

It Was Like Maui

We had met, friends of friends, on the nude beach. You were sexy but we didn’t talk. I thought about fucking you, but thought maybe we weren’t a good match. I was wrong.

I was in Maui a year ago, and  I met someone off of Craigslist. He came over twice, both times, hardly said a word and fucked me almost senseless. Pushed my legs up to my face, spanked me, came all over me. It was perfect. You remind me of him, of that crazy good experience.

You grab me tonight when you see me, and tell me how good I look; grope and massage my ass. I am electrified. Later, you get off your shift, pass by with a drink. Say hi, tell me how attractive I am. I tell you that you are as well. I ask to get your number. After giving it to me, we start to make out. Roughly, hungrily, and I think- this feels familiar. It’s like Maui. You ask if I want to fuck. And I say yes.

We go into the room, and tear our clothes off. You go down on me, start fingering me, and it’s like Maui and magic- you just already know, without me having to tell you, how to make me come. You moan when I squirt, and make me do it again and again. Soon, I go down on you, and you force my head down onto your cock, pulling my hair up and down, up and down. And then we both want more, and you thrust your cock into my pussy, and again- it’s like Maui. Rough and dominant and slightly aggressive- the energy feels electric. This is candy. This is the best of stimulants. My body feels weak.

We fuck with you on top and in doggy style. And when you come, you pull out and come all over my ass. How I wanted your bare cock and your come deep inside of me. But we’ll save that for next time.

We make out more, hurriedly, both gasping for air. I want to fuck you again.

Bare MFM

We climb into bed, the three of us. This has happened before, a number of times. We have a routine, and I am pretty sure we all enjoy it. I know I do.

You start massaging my tits and stomach and thighs, slowly working your way toward my pussy. You kiss my neck passionately, making me shiver literally from my little toes up to the crown of my head. It’s about as good as an orgasm. Waves of shivers pass over my skin. I moan. I want.

And you are laying on the other side of me. I lean over and we kiss, tenderly at first and then it becomes more rough. You grab my neck, making me gasp in surprise and ecstasy.

I have two hands, and two cocks to rub. I take hold of each, stroking, feeling both grow larger and larger in my hands, throbbing. Waiting for my pussy. This warm-up is standard, and it turns me on like crazy every time. I want both at the same time for a long time.

I go down on one of you until you can’t take it anymore. You get behind me in doggy style while I go down on you, the other wonderful you. The pounding makes me yell and scream, so much so I can barely continue my blow job. You love watching my face, and you pull my hair and grab my throat.

You are slamming me harder and harder, and it feels so fucking good. Your bare cock inside me. I want your come, I yell. Fill me up. And you do.

I catch my breath, and get on top of you. I love having two loads inside, and I intend to get that. I’m riding you harder and harder, faster and faster. You’re squeezing my tits, breathing harder and harder. I tell you, I want your come, give it to me. And you do.

And sometimes, I’m on top of you and my other you gets behind so I have both cocks at once inside me. The fullness and taboo and raunchiness of this position makes me come. Both bare cocks sliding inside, both loads of come making me moan from pleasure.

Always, I want it again.

One Night Stand

I get ready: shaved legs, shaved pussy. Sheer lipstick. Striking eye make up. Tight, short dress. Heels. Soft hair, soft skin, painted nails. Perfume. I feel like an aphrodite, a tigress, on the prowl to take what’s mine. What’s mine for tonight.

We go out, me, you, and her. You two will sit at the bar, flirt, talk, drink. I’ll be there, too, but I’ll be looking. Looking, hunting, scheming, wanting. When I spot him, I’ll slowly make my way to his side. Sit down, smile. He’ll offer to buy me a drink. I’ll accept. We’ll sit at the bar, flirt, talk, drink.

Until I want more. You’ll watch as I trace my fingers on his lower back, his thigh. He’ll lean down and whisper something. I don’t know what exactly, but it doesn’t really matter. There’s heat and danger and excitement. You’ll watch as he comes in a little closer, as I bend my neck ever so slightly back, and he kisses it. There’s heat and danger and excitement. I let his hand meander from my upper back down to my lower back down to my thigh. 

Until I want more. You’ll watch our mouths move, as he asks me if I want to leave, and I tell him Yes. I make my way back to you to let you both know- I’ll be home late, or tomorrow. Have a fun night. I wink, I smile. I flirt, talk, drink.

We leave. I’ve never done this before. I want it. I want this electricity and fire. We start to make out in the car. It’s building deeper and deeper, the aching growing stronger and stronger. 

I don’t know what the place looks like, I don’t know how long I’m there. All I know is the heat and the excitement, the fire. The licking and the sucking and pounding and moaning and the yelling. Fingers and mouths and tongues and pussy and cock and come. Do it again. 

I don’t leave until I’m ready to leave, until I’ve licked my plate clean. 

Intro to BDSM

My newest DA post is live today: This Intro to BDSM Is So Good It Hurts

Hahaha. Cheesy!

My intro is below; make sure to go read the rest!

“Consider this a very brief introduction to BDSM, often called kink.

BDSM stands for:

• Bondage/Discipline
• Domination/Submission
• Sadism/Masochism

BDSM relationships, or kinky relationships, may or may not coincide with open/ethically nonmonogamous relationships.

You will find because BDSM relationships require a great deal of explicit communication and negotiation, partners in those relationships have consented to some kind of open relationship as well (the explicit communication style tends to bleed over.)

However, there also are plenty of sexually monogamous kinky couples.”

What is your experience with BDSM like? Is it icing on your cake, the whole cake, or perhaps a sprinkle in your erotic life? Or do you just like it vanilla all the time?

Healthy Relationships Comic

I love this comic from Robot Hugs!!! (Thanks to B for posting it in the FB group- I love that group. So many fun and interesting things posted by open peeps!)

New Favorite Toys

J and I recently welcomed two new additions to our sex toy box:

My first nipple clamps (Bound to Please Plier Nipple Clamps from Good Vibes)

and

My first collar (Clover Rhinestone Black Leather Collar from Good Vibes)

[We enjoy supporting our local sex toy shops, but an amazing friend gave us a gift card to Good Vibes for our wedding, so we had to take advantage of that!!]

Both additions are extraordinarily hot!

My nipples are typically really sensitive, and while I enjoy my tits squeezed super hard, I shy away from any kind of sensation on my nipples. So I surprised myself in suggesting we get some nipple clamps. These clamps are great though, because you can choose a very low amount of pressure. I enjoyed them for just an extra amount of pressure and sensation, and I totally loved how they looked and felt against my stomach.

My collar is amazing. It is *just* what we were looking for: sparkly, sexy, submissive. It totally adds to the D/s component of our sex life when we want to play with that.

On my wish list:

A flogger.

When J and I were at the Velvet Rope’s grand reopening party a while back, I got flogged by a drag queen (that was awesome- I blogged about it here). Ever since, I have been wanting to buy a flogger, but gosh darn, they can be so expensive!! This one at SheBop looks like a possible option 🙂

Any new favorite sex toys of yours?

Hickeys

Last night J gave me the most extraordinary hickey. I mean, it’s huge. And super dark. It’s lovely. I love getting hickeys, I like giving them. The process of receiving one is one of the most sexy, sensual, hot, chill-inducing experiences of my life. (And I’m referring to getting hickeys on my neck. My neck is definitely in my top 5 places of erogenous zones on my body).

Hickeys get a bad rap. The most common opposition I hear is: Well I don’t want people to see it!

And of course my mind goes to: Well… why?

Because we are so averse to showing our sexuality. Subtle forms that display we are sexual, through dress, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, are everywhere. But to show off the fact that we were in fact sexual last night or the day before allows the person looking at us to conjure images of us being sexual. What were you doing when you got that hickey? Who gave it to you? What did you look like, sound like? What else do you enjoy?

I remember encountering this during school a couple of years ago. My professor, an amazing trans lesbian, came to class with some serious bruises up and down her arms. While she did not offer an explicit explanation, the conversation that ensued made it clear that she had engaged in some consensual BDSM or other kink play. She seemed to be quite happy and satisfied with her bruises, and delighted in sort of winking at the class with what it meant.

I was so intrigued, and of course, my imagination went to all of those questions I posed above. I was distracted, but it was a bubbly, effusive distraction, inviting me to think about my professor in new ways, and about my own sexuality and desires. Would I ever want  bruises like that, delight in receiving them or giving them?

Hickeys (depending where they are) are a public display of past sexuality, of romance and desire, of heat and passion. They show others that we, too, enjoy and delight in kisses, sucking, licking, biting. That we moan and ache. I don’t think a low-cut shirt or a sultry eye gaze necessarily says quite the same thing, which I think results in the differing resistance people encounter in showing off a hickey versus cleavage or physique. I think our culture of slut-shaming similarly affects women’s resistance to displaying hickeys (we may be freaks in bed, but heaven forbid other people know about that). [Interesting note: during class tonight, I did not take off my scarf. Was I afraid of people’s observations and reactions to my huge hickey? Did I not want to make other people uncomfortable with my display of sexuality? I really don’t know.]

Long live the hickey. Long live desire and pleasure.

Follow up: Poly Mecca?

I am so stoked that I was able to co-auther that piece on Portland as a poly mecca- it even was mentioned in Poly in the News (woot woot!).

I shamelessly promoted the piece on my FB open group as well, and I was so glad to read a comment someone in the group made, which went along the lines of: Portland is lovely, but do we really have the numbers to constitute a mecca?

No, I don’t think so. I think it’s a strong word choice. I’m sure it’s easier to find partners as someone operating from a poly worldview in SF or NYC or Seattle. But, like I mentioned in my comment back to her, for someone (Louisa) who grew up in the UK and living in Sweden to view Portland as a “poly mecca” says something about the buzz Portland receives.

I do think Portland has a pretty amazing sex positive scene, but after the trip J and I took to Seattle, it’s more and more apparent to me that we have a much smaller community than other metro areas. Perhaps, though, we have more sex positive/open/poly/kinky people per vanilla capita than other metro areas. And maybe that’s what makes it so noticeable.

Any other thoughts? For those of you living in Portland: does it feel like a sex positive mecca to you? For those of you living elsewhere: does your community feel like a safe space to be yourself out in public, or not? Why?

Live on HuffPo!

The article I posted about yesterday (What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?) is now live on Louisa Leontiades’ Huffington Post blog 😀

Go check it out!