LGBTQ Conference & Whores

A few days ago I had the opportunity to go to a conference for work all about providing competent and effective care for the LGBTQ community. It was really rad; I wanted to go last year and it just didn’t happen. But this year my work paid for me to go, so boo-ya!

My favorite professor from my MPH program happened to be presenting one of the workshops on representing trans* folks in a just and fair way in research and clinical practice (meaning, asking appropriate questions in surveys and on intake forms to effectively and justly represent the trans* community). I knew that I was going to end up talking to her about my the stripping/school debacle, and I especially knew it when she started about sex workers during her workshop. In fact, she referred to “whores” during her presentation, and then I really knew I was going to have an honest conversation with her (I trusted her to be using the word whore appropriately). Another attendee raised his hand:

“I noticed you used the word ‘whore.’ I’m used to saying ‘sex worker.’ Is it okay to use the word ‘whore’?”

“Well I use it because that’s what a group of my friends who are/were whores used to refer to themselves and the labor they did.”

She made a good point about the word “whore” being another reclaimed word (much like queer and dyke), and that some workers may prefer it while others may prefer something else. In terms of being “of” the community versus not being part of the community and using the word, it seems really important to ask those you are referring to what their preference is. Words like whore and queer and dyke can sound nice or hurtful depending on the context- while they may be used affectionately among people within the community and even with those who know them well, they can still be used as insults and threats. Play it safe and ask before using words and labels that have a complex history.

I did end up talking to my professor, and she gave me more support and “Fuck those people,” “You’re too good for that bullshit,” and “Stay strong” conversation. It felt really affirming to have further support from an academic- especially as she is the first academic I have talked to since the ordeal in December.

The rest of my day was pretty good. Here are some highlights:

-Being in a conference all day with a bunch of queer people was awesome. While the conference was for providers of all orientations who work with the queer community, there were a ton of queer providers in the room. And I was overwhelmed by all of the hot queer women!

-The lunch keynote was by a Native American man who works with the Two Spirit communities in Montana and also does HIV prevention and education on the reservations. It was really cool. I also learned that Running Eagle, for whom a water feature is named in Glacier National Park, was Two Spirit.

-My second workshop was supposed to be on navigating sexual health conversations with LGBTQ youth. I was super excited for this one, and it wasn’t very good. We talked about microaggressions and multigenerational trauma and how those things prevent youth from accessing the sexual health care they need. Unfortunately we barely scratched the surface and it wasn’t as meaty as I was hoping.

-My last workshop was on trauma and addiction, and I loved it. I love the physiology of trauma and oppression. Did you know that your hippocampus, which regulates memory formation and storage and your flight/fight/freeze response, shrinks when it you are discriminated against or oppressed or traumatized? Chronically high cortisol (stress hormone) damages your hippocampus. So interesting! The presenter referred to it as “oppression illness.” Luckily, you can repair past damage through psychotherapy, exercise, and certain medications and plants. There has also been a paradigm shift in treating addictions. The past approach was: “Addiction is something people do to feel good and be hedonistic. Just stop!” The current approach is: “Addiction is something people do to feel normal and like everyone else.”

-The closing keynote was fairly horrid. The speaker was some public health bigwig who does work around tobacco prevention in the LGBTQ community, and ended up coming out as trans*. But the identity is not some excuse for being arrogant and making tasteless, offensive jokes. I was offended through the whole thing and left ten minutes early.

All in all, it was a good day. And I got paid to go, so it was even better! 🙂

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

I now affirm to listen to my body.

I now affirm to treat my body with kindness, compassion, and respect.

What Do Fantasies Symbolize?

I have more questions as an answer:

Does it matter? Is it a requirement to figure out what a fantasy might “mean” in order to use it to achieve pleasurable, fun, and satisfying sexual experiences?

I worried for a hot minute a couple of years ago what my submission fantasies might mean. Did they mean I wasn’t a “real” feminist? Did it mean that I wanted to be dominated by men in my everyday life but that these desires were being sublimated into the sexual realm? I know for myself that this is not the case at all. My nonconsensual fantasies run in the same vein: I don’t actually want to be raped. It’s something to remain tenuous and ethereal. What about gangbang fantasies? While I have acted on them, I again have zero desire to actually be raped by multiple men at once. My desires are about sexual hunger and fulfillment with multiple people, about using my body to its maximum capacity.

Hotwife fantasies similarly get a lot of attention for where they might “come from” or what they “mean.” My question again is: what does it truly matter? If sex is consensual, pleasurable, and leads to growth or fun, then I’m not sure it really matters in order to have a good time.

I understand having curiosity about our fantasies, and while it would be magical to have some special deck of cards that told us what different sexual fantasies say about us as dreamers, it doesn’t exist. It’s up to you to paint the picture of desire and fulfillment and what it all means.

Normaling

This post has been percolating in my mind for a few days, and I’m just getting around to writing it.

J and I have been normaling: ripping up carpets and painting and going to Home Depot have been, largely, exciting and fun. Because of all of the changes in our lives in the past six months, we have also been much more sexually monogamous of late (and I say “much more” because the frequency of extra-dyadic sex for us has gone way down in the past few months, but not down to zero). We’re still nonmonogamous at heart (J still checks the Craigslist ads and I still fantasize about others) but I also know that for me, my desire for others goes way down when I haven’t gotten my fill of J.

It’s been hard lately. He’s commuting two hours each day during the week and is understandably totally exhausted. And I’ve been in the pit of body image horror. Put exhaustion and emotional wreckage together and I think it makes sense that sex is difficult to attain.

But back to the normaling thing. I just love this scene from 30 Rock- leave it to Jenna and Paul to kinkify “normal” (vanilla, straight) relationship-y things. I feel like they’re on to something.

What do you think? Are you able to find the sexy and pleasurable and connecting parts of everyday vanilla life? Can you maintain some separateness and mystery in the midst of totally-togethering activities?

Word Gets Around

It is so gratifying to know that people talk to each other, and that my story of school and stripping has gotten around. I received an email from a former fellow student who heard about my story through another student and put two and two together, and wanted to make sure I was okay and offered to give me any support I needed. They and I had had only one class together, but I had disclosed my stripping experience to them and felt really supported by them. It was really nice to hear from them and to know that they found the courage to reach out to me.

And then, I met someone through the sex worker outreach coalition who is starting the exact program at the school that I just withdrew from. So of course we had to talk about it all. Since she is a former sex worker, she is also trying to decide how much disclosure she feels safe making in her new program and moving forward in her career. (No surprises: she feels pretty darn unsafe in disclosing her past work experiences)

Hearing her get fired up on my behalf, and on behalf of all workers, was gratifying and intensely pleasurable. It gave me chills.

Social network + solidarity = one happy Katie

Links to Share

Want a sexy Wednesday pick-me-up?

See photos of exotic dancers from the 1890s here

See this for descriptions (with awesome cartoons!) of different animal mating rituals here

(I don’t know how accurate all the information is, but it’s entertaining and interesting nonetheless!)

If you want something more dense, this article is definitely worth reading: The Scientific Quest to Prove Bisexuality Exists

There are a ton of passages in this article that I liked, but I like this one in particular:

“To their credit, both Rieger and Savin-Williams were thoughtful in their conversations with me about the challenges of studying bisexuality. Savin-Williams, in particular, said he was mostly interested in understanding the “incredible diversity” among bisexuals. He told me about one young man he interviewed whose arousal looked “extraordinarily gay” in the lab. But he was romantically interested in only women. “He falls madly in love with girls all over the place,” Savin-Williams said, “and it’s not because he hates the ‘gay’ part of himself. He just connects romantically and emotionally with women in a way he doesn’t with men. Will that change? Perhaps. But right now he’s not 50-50 interested in men and women — it’s almost like he’s 100 percent and 100 percent, but in two different ways. Most of the time sexual attraction and romantic attraction will overlap, but for some bisexual people, there’s a discrepancy between the two.”

Rieger nodded. “People constantly surprise you,” he said, recalling one young man who announced that he was “50-50 bisexual” but who only showed arousal to women in the lab. “His arousal was like a perfect straight guy,” Rieger told me.

“Sounds like he’s romantically attracted to guys but sexually attracted to women,” Savin-Williams said. “I think there’s a lot more sexual complexity and nuance among men than researchers have assumed for years.””

Any fun links to share with me?

Picking Your Third

My latest DA post is live: “How to Pick Your Third for a Threesome”

Read on for my intro:

“You and your partner are ready to dive into some sexual explorations and want to invite another person into your bedroom. Who should you pick?

When J and I invite people into our bedroom, we do so based off some broad principles (which we have talked about before inviting others into our bedroom, and in some cases, figured out together after a disappointing experience).

1. Are we both attracted to the person?

Even if we are going to have an MFM in which J and the other man are not sexually into one another, it’s still important that J be intellectually and mentally connected to the other man.

Determining if we both dig someone else’s vibe, physically and energetically, is an important first step.”

Do you have certain criteria for inviting someone into your bedroom for a threesome?

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

Do you ever feel helpless or in need of rescue? It’s okay to be vulnerable and to ask for help, and to recognize the interdependency of life. The value of individualism propagated in the United States is, in my opinion, way overrated. Asking for and receiving help is part of life, and it doesn’t mean that your journey is less valuable. or that your identity or character is less admirable. Becoming comfortable with the vulnerability that interdependency necessitates will help you see what in your life you can truly control, what you can’t, and where relying on others will not only help you survive, but help you thrive. Don’t only reclaim your strength and power, as your fragility and vulnerability is just as important.

I now affirm that I am a capable and competent human being.

I now affirm I have the strength and flexibility to meet every challenge.

I now affirm that I can ask for help when I need it, and that I will still be respected.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*A note about my weekly affirmations:

I subscribe to the Enneagram Institute‘s EnneaThought, which sends me a daily affirmation or reminder based on my number (I’m a 2). I have adapted many affirmations from these daily emails to create my weekly affirmations for this blog. I have also begun investigating other numbers to create affirmations that are geared toward other personality descriptions. Just so ya know, and if you are interested in having another way to receive regular reminders and meditations.

Daydreams

There was a great piece in my “Psychology Today” about daydreaming and fantasies, and how our daydreams are a strong force in shaping our goals and future. Past research suggested that people, children and adults alike, who daydream are distracted or lazy or have their heads in the clouds. More current research suggests the opposite: that folks who daydream have a rich inner voice to guide them through life, and that daydreaming is anything but a waste of time. (Whew!)

What are your current daydreams and fantasies and how are they shaping your life?

Here are mine:

-What to do with this house J and I bought. Short-term plans include re-painting the whole inside and refinishing the original hardwood floors. Longer-term plans include renovating the tiny bathroom and finishing the basement. What should the basement be? A pole studio? A sexy cave? A bedroom and living area? All of the above? I want to landscape the backyard- I’m so excited about sunbathing nude this summer!

-I want to start brewing my own kombucha! How Portland is that?! I keep thinking about getting the stuff I need to make it happen- mostly just some glass jars. And the infamous Mother (SCOBY) to start the brew.

-Where I am going to go from this job I’m in now. It’s a great launching pad so I’m excited about where I’ll launch myself to. I have dreams of having my own nonprofit that does counseling, workshops, support groups, and education around sexuality. Will I get into my MSW program? What will that be like?

-I love stripping now that my time is so crunched I can’t do it very often anymore. I daydream about dancing and when I can go work at the club next. I think about other kinds of sex work and sex worker advocacy and creating a support group for sex workers in the area.

-Who are the people I will meet this year? What new relationships and connections will I make?

Happy Weekend to All!

DV, Sex Addiction, & Sexy Sex

I was listening to a survivor yesterday talk about her experiences, and near the end of our conversation she mentioned that something that was not covered by the survey I had her fill out was the fact that she felt abused by her ex-husband’s sex addiction. She mentioned that she never spent money on herself because so much of their money was spent on lingerie models and 1-900 numbers and possibly “illegal things” (aka prostitutes?). She said it was one of their long-standing battles, and that it was abusive not just because of the financial impact but because it also made her feel “not good enough.”

This was a complex issue for me to listen to and digest.

1. You always believe a survivor. That’s trauma-informed and survivor-informed. If she felt abused by her ex’s sexual proclivities, then I believe her.

2. I don’t believe “sex addiction” is a thing. However, if someone told me they felt “addicted” to sex, then I would believe them. I do think people are the experts on their own lives. Again, though, I don’t think it’s quite the right word to describe a behavior pattern related to seeking out sex/sexual experiences.

3. I wonder about many of the men I have met and danced for at my club. How many of them have wives at home who hate the fact that they patronize strip clubs and spend money on strippers? How many of them have a different persona at the club versus when they are home with their families? How many abusers have I danced for?

4. She asked me how and why I got into domestic violence work, and I answered the best I could. I mentioned that the spectrum of sexuality was my passion, from education to intervention. Listening to her, though, I was reminded of how bummed out I can feel when I realize so many people see sexuality as something to be tightly controlled, and how constricted people can get from being inundated with messages related to monogamy and purity. I would love to do more prevention work.

5. This woman was a Christian and made several comments that led me to believe that even though she knew her ex was “bad news” from the beginning, it took her 25 years to divorce him because she didn’t think divorce was okay. She also talked with me a bunch about how her goal was to break the cycle of poverty with her kids, and that it didn’t look like it was going to happen. I was reminded of my mom and how my mom did manage to break that cycle for herself and her kids- and it made me think of research on why certain people are able to do certain things that others from their peer group struggle to do (Malcom-Gladwell-like research).

I have been processing that 2 1/2 hour long meeting since yesterday, and I’m still chewing on it. I’m still a little hung up on the sex addiction/sex worker piece of it. It also reminded of this piece (“Sex Criminals 2013“) on “Tits and Sass” from the other day, and this particular passage:

“And you put her with a guy like Jon, who spent his adolescence taking in all the free porn he could get, and of course you have this near-couple who wind up using porn as a way to segue into sex. These are the exact couples I see every Saturday at my club—where the woman looks uncomfortable and the guy doesn’t want to seem too interested in any of the dancers because he doesn’t want to make her jealous, so they hang back, refusing to engage with you, and refusing to pay. Because to them, sex workers aren’t real people. If they admitted we were real people working to give them  a fantasy, then they would have to admit they are using other people to spice up their sex lives without, you know, paying us or acknowledging the fact that we are working, as opposed to acting sexual purely for the fun of it. It’s a selfish thing that’s incredibly easy to do, especially to porn actors, who are extra removed from reality by way of always interacting with the viewer through a screen or a photo. And that is exactly why Suzi can’t listen to Jazmine defend herself. Because, in a way, Suzi needs Jazmine to be sexualized just as much as Jon does. If the sex worker becomes real, then you’re going to have to admit that there’s a person that you’re harming with your negative opinions of them, and why would you want to do that?”

Thanks for reading my convoluted post 🙂

To wrap it up, I just need to celebrate the fact that I got laid last night!!!! (This whole job/home buying/moving process has really taken the wind out of our sails the past two weeks) So- I slept really well last night and feel really good this morning. Let’s hear it for SEX!! 😀