Another Swingers Club! & Drag Queens, Flogging, Male Strippers

J and I finally visited the other swingers’ club in town, and just happened to go on its grand reopening night.

Overall, I like the aesthetic of our regular club better. But, this other club is better for just lounging and chatting with other people. Which J and I both liked.

Highlights of the night included:

-Performances by a couple of drag queens (side note: for some reason I haven’t been able to pinpoint yet, drag queens turn me on. I don’t know if I would want to have sex with one, or if it’s just the super beautiful feminine appearance, or if I just a huge erotic charge from being around non-normative gender displays. But I loved being there in the front row to watch!! Which leads me to…)

-Both J and I were incorporated into a couple of performances. It was so much fun! J got his clothes torn off of him while she lip synched “Closer.” And he got us free tickets to the Erotic Ball for his cooperation! I am so excited to experience another sexy event! And I got my clothes ripped off and FLOGGED (note: a first for me). I really loved the flogging! It wasn’t super hard- it just felt like a really even slap or spank. It was good pressure and left the right amount of sting.

[Another note: something super interesting was that the drag queen did not seek consent of her participants. She just ripped off people’s clothes without asking, touched people without asking- it was poor modeling for a space that espouses itself on consent.]

-A rope suspension demonstration, led by a lovely friend of ours who has tied me up several times. It was awesome to see someone suspended so quickly and well!

-A male stripper group. They were okay. Not quite the level of skill that I was expecting, but still fun to watch. I may have had quite the time with one of them later on… 😉

The club felt more like a divvied up office building, but some of the spaces were neat. One plus was their dancing pole had quite a bit more room around it so dancing there was a little more fun (than at our regular club). The music was lower, so we were actually able to talk to some new people. The food was decent. And this club has hot tubs, which was a lot more appealing than I thought it would be (the rule is to finish playing elsewhere. Thank goodness…) We also both really appreciated the fact that this club seems to attract a wider spectrum of sexual orientations and gender identities and appearances- we both appreciated the diversity and felt “at home” there. (That’s my biggest gripe with our regular club- that it doesn’t feel welcoming to gay men, trans people, or cross dressers- although we have seen and met some at our regular club. Having a drag queen MC an evening or more gender fluid events would definitely help shake things up.) I don’t know if we’ll go back to this club or not, but I am so glad we finally checked it out!

Scissor Sisters

J and I visited a new dungeon space in town, on a night dedicated to the art of rope and rigging. I was excited to see a new space, and a more kinky space than the swingers club we usually go to. I was impressed by the skill of the riggers there, and was happy to see some of our sexy friends there and meet new one.

Primarily, this post is dedicated to the woman I now lovingly refer to as my “Scissor Sister” (a name she suggested; we were tied up in the scissoring position, which is something that I have been wanting to try with a woman for a while…). Being tied up with you was absolutely amazing. Thank you, thank you. I have never been so deep while tied up myself, but hearing and watching you sink deeper and deeper made my experience that much more enjoyable.

I feel so lucky to live in area where we have an alternative community, where we are able to meet so many deliciously kinky people, and where I can be tied up by two professional doms and riggers, scissoring with a beautiful woman on a Thursday night for $15 per person at the door. Whew.

Yes Means Yes: Female Submission Fantasies

I am currently reading Yes Means Yes, and my favorite chapter (and probably most relevant to this blog) is the chapter on female submission fantasies. I actually thumbed to this chapter when I first picked the book up from the library, and I have been excited to write the post on it since.

The title of the chapter said it all to me the first time I read it: “The Fantasy of ‘Non-Consent’: Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t).”

The title captures so many of the feelings I have had since realizing that I love being submissive during sexual encounters. I can definitely be an equal part to sexual decision-making, and can definitely be assertive and enjoy being so, but there is nothing quite like being told what to do or being handled in a way that capitalizes on my submissive side. However, I have felt since realizing all of this that this part of me scares me. What does this mean for how I identify as a feminist? Does this mean I have bought into a culture that says woman are supposed to be submissive and men are supposed to be dominant? Have I internalized a deep sense of sexism, which now turns me on? The last part of the chapter title made me relieved: I shouldn’t be scared of my own desires and fantasies, and I don’t have to be. Thank god.

The central idea of this chapter is similar to Dan Savage’s idea of “suspending disbelief.” I am not really giving up all of my power during a sexual encounter, and I am not really “not consenting” to an encounter. It is more about buying into a fantasy for a short period of time so that I can live out that fantasy in a safe and consensual way. 

Stacey May Fowles (author of the chapter) discusses how, in the BDSM community, a “non-consensual” scene has parameters set before the scene is acted out: there are clear boundaries and rules, each person has a role to play, and safe words are set. In this way, a “non-consensual” scene is quite the opposite, and person acting in a submissive role (the one “giving up” all of his/her power) is actually the one holding the power during the scene. 

Fowles argues that mainstream porn, as part of a larger rape culture, is partly responsible for the belief among many feminists that the image of a female submissive is horrible: you simply cannot be a feminist and believe that rape is wrong while also believing that female submissiveness can be a consensual part of female sexuality. 

I think that if we critically think about our fantasies, accept the fact that our fantasies are influenced the families, schools, religious institutions, and cultures that raised us, and can plan thoughtful fantasies that include clear boundaries and roles for those involved, then those fantasies can be healthy parts of our sexual experience. Which is good news for me, since being submissive is such a turn on for me and a huge part of many of my fantasies. Not only that, but I can still call myself a feminist! 🙂