Movie Nights in Lieu of Therapy

I read this article a few days ago while waiting for the crowd to come into the strip club: “Move Night Can Double as Therapy”

I’m curious what people think about this idea- of watching “relationship movies” as a couple instead of going to couples counseling. It seems like it would take a lot of self-initiative on the parts of both/all people involved, and that the people in the relationship would not find it necessary to have a counselor present to move forward on thorny issues. I suppose if the purpose of counseling is simply to help people reconnect with one another, that this could do just as good of a job (again, as long as all people involved want to reconnect and rediscover one another). However, if there are any major challenges or hurdles within the relationship, it seems like having some outside support could be more helpful than a movie.

Thoughts? Have you gone to couples counseling? Would you opt to watch a movie with your honey instead, and talk about it afterwards?

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

Let’s turn our focus to the dynamic nature of life, including the dynamic nature of relationships. Holding someone tighter and tighter doesn’t mean they are any more close, while it does mean there is less space for both of you to breathe. Relationships will always change. My relationship with J today is different than it was seven years ago, different than it was six months ago, different than it was yesterday, because today is today. You have to relax and let go of being in control of your life, and especially relax and let go of trying to control someone else’s life. Let go to receive. Receive to let go.

I now affirm that I can let go of loved ones.

I now affirm that I have the flexibility to meet life’s changes.

Coming Out as a Drama Llama

This is one of my all-time favorite clips from the Office.

Probably because I am Andy. I’m coming out folks. And this time, as a Drama Llama.

I’ve never wanted to come out as a Drama Llama, probably because having a penchant for drama is abhorred within the open and poly community. How many posts have I seen by other bloggers about not being dramatic, or ads by couples who refer to themselves and their ideal match as “drama-free”? Countless. And who wants to be marginalized within their marginalized community for not being the “perfect poly person”? Not me!

I looked up the definition of “drama.” In addition to the definitions regarding the type of literature and plays, the third definition on Merriam Webster says:

3a :  a state, situation, or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces

In addition, the origin of the word is:

Late Latin dramat-, drama, from Greek, deed, drama, from dran to do, act

I was intrigued by the fact that “from dran, to do, act” is a root of the word. It is helping me to reflect on how I behave when I am caught up in something dramatic in my life: Am I processing my emotions in a mindful way? Am I acting out a script? Am I simply going into automatic drive, falling back on my go-to emotions of aggressiveness and defensiveness without thinking through the situation? How can I remember not to “act” but to rather inquire genuinely and gently into my feelings, and demonstrate them in a more calm and even-handed way?

All that being said, I have also been thinking about why “drama” is given such a bad rap (especially by those in the open community). Emotions can run high. So what? People get angry, say things they don’t mean, apologize, get upset, seek reassurance, cry. “Drama” can be authentic, and not necessarily “acting.” I don’t know that there is anything inherently wrong with engaging with drama, as long as I am conscious of the process and system I am in. I think drama becomes a soul-sucking force when people drive each other to the bottom and don’t help each other back up- when it becomes  a game, rather than a real way of interacting and knowing. And, it seems that “drama” runs counter to the image that a lot of open/poly folks try to embody and display: that we are people that have our emotional worlds completely figured out and can thus operate our intimate relationships in a completely clean and easy way.

[I love it when things go smoothly, when emotions and needs are discussed calmly, when my social world feels easy and mellow. I really do love that. It feels mature and connecting and loving, all without the high-octane feelings I remember as a teenager trying to assert my place within my social and romantic world.]

Like J told me last night: “Maybe you should write on a piece of paper: ‘I like drama.’ That way, it’ll remind you to stop and think when you are getting into some, and help you decide whether you want to be involved.”

I think it’s a good suggestion 🙂

Who else is a drama llama? Who can’t stand drama? Why? Is drama a necessarily “bad” thing, or something to look at with disgust? Can it be a healthy part of our relationships?

Cuckolding/Hotwifing Post

For those of you interested in cuckolding, hotwifing, and other similar fantasies, this is an excellent post on the subject. The author also writes  a pretty fantastic blog called The Psychology of Human Sexuality; I recommend you check it out!

His post gives nice space to discussing sperm competition theory, which I love:

“Increasingly, scientists favor a biological explanation based on a growing body of work on sperm competition. Research shows that when one woman mates with several men, those men can display behavioral and biological changes intended to increase their likelihood of fertilizing her egg—without even realizing it. For example, when men masturbate to porn featuring multiple men having sex with the same woman, their ejaculate contains more active sperm than it does when they beat off to an all-female threesome, according to a 2005 study of 52 men. Other research has found that men report thrusting faster and deeper during sex when they suspect their female partner has cheated, presumably as a way of displacing rival sperm. These findings suggest the provocative possibility that men are “wired” to find cuckold scenarios arousing because they promote behaviors that help their own sperm win a raging intra-vaginal sperm war.”

Unprotected Sex with Multiple Partners

From my experience and what little data is out there, the ethically nonmonogamous population experiences fewer STIs than the monogamous/unethically nonmonogamous population. Talking about who you are getting sexy with and how you protect yourself are key to staying healthy and seeking care when necessary. When people are consenting to nonmonogamy, this necessitates transparent communication around safer sex practices (birth control used, and ways of circumventing STI transmission, including barrier methods, proper cleaning of toys and hygiene, and regular STI testing). Knowing the safer sex practices of your partners also allows you to give a fully informed “yes” to engaging in a sexual relationship with your partners.

What happens when you have unprotected sex with multiple partners? Is it stupid? Or irresponsible to yourself and others?

People enjoy unprotected sex for a number reasons, which may include the sensation, psychological feeling of closeness and intimacy, or eroticism from having intermingled fluids. It may signal a level of trust within the relationship. For some, it may signal primacy for a relationship. Unprotected sex may also be called condom-free sex or fluid-bonded sex.

An important consideration is the varying levels of risk associated with different types of protected and unprotected sex. I have linked to this chart before, but it was a while ago, so I thought it would be fine to link to it again; I really like it! : STD Risks Chart. I also really like this website: So They Can Know

While I have been impressed and inspired with the level of communication and knowledge within my open community surrounding STIs, birth control, and protected/unprotected sex, it always surprises me (well, not anymore really) that male condoms are always used for vaginal intercourse, but rarely are dental dams or male condoms discussed as options for oral sex. It’s true that eating pussy is relatively low-risk, and I do think a number of people in my community have calculated the risks and decided that getting tested and talking about STI results, doing visual inspections, and using male condoms for vaginal intercourse are enough safety measures for them (that’s pretty much J and I’s routine).

For me, unprotected sex makes sex an intimate act, even when it’s with a new female partner who I may not be as emotionally intimate with. With nothing separating our bodies and fluids, it automatically makes me feel psychologically and emotionally closer to that person.

I was taking a wellness quiz yesterday, and when I answered that I had had unprotected sex with multiple partners in the past six months, it put my answer in a red box with a warning that this was HIGH RISK. I felt my heart rate rise a bit! It’s true that having unprotected sex with multiple partners puts me at a higher risk of contracting STIs than if I had unprotected sex with only one person (even counting female partners). I also think that it’s worthwhile to think about my true risk of contracting an STI, based on my history and record, and other safer sex practices.

How do you feel about having unprotected sex with multiple partners? How do you mitigate risk from being sexually nonmonogamous?

Equality & Sex

J sent me this article, and I’ve seen it posted in other places as well; it’s worth a read: “Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?”

It’s an interesting proposition, and seemingly substantiated by well-known researchers in the areas of marriage, sexuality, and attraction: relationships marked by sameness and a high degree of intimacy are also marked by less heat. Thus, they tend to be marked by less sex.

The question that I still have after reading this article, though, is: Even if equality between two partners is correlated with less sex in the relationship, shouldn’t we be looking at other factors that lead to less sex?

My fear with this article, is that it will lead readers to say “equality causes less sex” (the correlation versus causation problem), rather than diving into the other factors that mark modern long-term relationships: sameness, intimacy, and an expectation that a partner meets 100% of our needs and vice versa. These factors seem to be the real erotic/passion “killers,” not equality.

Perhaps it is not men engaging in “feminine” housework that leads to a decrease in how much sex they have with their female partners, but the structure of the relationship which requires each partner to do everything for one another, as opposed to relying on other people in their social network. Modern LTRs are founded on the idea that one person will complete you and fulfill all of your needs, desires, and wants- they will be your best friend, motivator, spiritual coach, workout buddy, financial advisor, mechanic, and a sexual ATM (and perhaps a co-parent or business partner and more). Putting that kind of pressure on yourself and your partner is destined to kill some erotic energy- talk about stress and stretching your attention and focus, not to mention gluing yourselves together. Space seems invaluable in retaining the individuality and separateness necessary in order to still want one another.

The closing quote from Esther Perel is pertinent to this:

““It’s the first time in history we are trying this experiment of a sexuality that’s rooted in equality and that lasts for decades,” Esther Perel said. “It’s a tall order for one person to be your partner in Management Inc., your best friend and passionate lover. There’s a certain part of you that with this partner will not be fulfilled. You deal with that loss. It’s a paradox to be lived with, not solved.””

Except I would say that we can at least brainstorm around this paradox. I think ethical nonmonogamy does quite a bit to transform this paradox of LTRs into more of a continuum, in which you can choose a structure that matches the pros and cons you want out of a relationship: how much intimacy and closeness and eroticism and heat do I want in my relationship, and how am I going to go about getting those things? Will we live together? Have separate bedrooms? Share details about every minute of our days? Invite other people into our bedroom? Date other people? Travel and vacation separately?

What do you think?

This is another piece worth reading: “No Sex, Please, We’re on Medicare” Don’t fall into ageist baloney about older people not needing, desiring, or deserving sex, and heed one of the last lines: “Sexual health is part of health.” No, duh.

Sunday Reclamation Affirmation

This week I want to focus on reclaiming my sense of self, wholeness, and aloneness. Being truly peaceful with myself as a solitary individual allows me to be authentically peaceful and loving when I move into my partnership(s), friendships, and larger community. Being alone used to legitimately freak me out; I simply equated it with loneliness, and being left or forgotten about or excluded from something.  As I have gotten older and had the experiences that I have had, it has become more and more clear to me that I enjoy being alone- quite a bit actually.  Feelings of exclusion are still challenging for me to fight off, but focusing on what I gain from understanding my aloneness and how I can cultivate and capitalize on my aloneness helps me move through my life more independently and confidently.

I now affirm that I will always be alone, and that I will always be okay.

I now affirm that I can assert my boundaries, and that I will still be loved.

Performance Anxiety During Group Sex

My next DatingAdvice post is live today: What If You Can’t Perform During Group Sex?

I think this is a common thing for people (not just men) to be concerned about. Female bodies just have the luxury of hiding their physical arousal or non-arousal more easily.

What have you done during a group sex encounter when you experienced performance anxiety? What helped you?

Here’s the conclusion of the article; go read the rest if you’re so inclined! 🙂

“If your cock isn’t hard, there could be a number of reasons.

In a group sex situation, often a non-erect cock has more to do with self-pressure to perform, nervousness or unfamiliarity with the situation or partner(s) than it does with attraction or interest in the situation or people involved.

Simply talking about it with your partners can help redirect your attention and energy away from one of your body parts to engaging with the people in the room. Offer to go down on someone or make out with someone.

Do your best to be present and if you become physically aroused, awesome. If you don’t, awesome.

If you are in the presence of other sexually intelligent people, then they will respect your body and communication and go with the flow, too.

Just have fun, relax and enjoy yourself. How many people get to experience group sex, anyway?”

On Wanting What I Can’t Have

I think I have that classic condition of wanting what I can’t have.

It took full force in high school, when I pined for four years for a particular jock d-bag. I have not been able to fully undo this unfortunate psychological tug-of-war. (It’s better, but not non-existent)

Scorn me, ignore me, look at me out of the corner of your eye, play hard to get, too busy for me, we want different things: I’m there. Want me? Give me lots of attention? I’m looking elsewhere. What the hell? (I’m simplifying and making it more black-and-white than it is, obviously.)

This has been impacting me recently in that casual sex opportunities are abundant, or at least fairly easy to plan and execute and enjoy in my life, both with men and women. Casual sex is, like Schmitt describes in “New Girl” (new guilty pleasure), a delight of tastings or samplings, or something like that. I get something from casual sex (whether it’s in the context of a fuck buddy or FWB relationship) that I don’t get in a heady, deep, romantic encounter: low-key, relaxed, fun and compartmentalized sexual satisfaction. We meet, we chat, we fuck, we part. Until the next time.

But when I taste what that deeper connection feels like, I crave more (most of the time). And besides my relationship with J (which is deep, meaningful, beautiful, romantic, hot, experimental, and fun), I do not currently have another “sparks flying” kind of relationship in my life. When I sense it with someone (whether it’s a friend or someone I have just met), I get excited, I crave it, and I stop desiring the casual sex so much.

[I don’t like the language of describing casual sex as “cheap” or necessarily as non-intimate, because it just doesn’t accurately describe my experiences with casual sex. I’ve had plenty of NSA sex that has been intimate, and the word “cheap” implies that casual sex isn’t good enough or equal to sex within strings-attached sex.]

And yet, I think there is always a lesson to reflect on in this: Right now, fuck buddy and FWB relationships work for me. For the past 6-7 months I have: had a wedding and a honeymoon, broken up with a girlfriend, started school and kept myself extremely busy with it, decided to leave school, applied like mad for jobs, and got a job. Life has been a little nuts. If I am honest with myself, I haven’t had the time or capacity to tend to another intimate romantic relationship in that time (or put another way: I didn’t prioritize it in the past 6 months). And yet, it’s what I feel like I want. But do I? Now that I have my 9-5 job, I have been getting up early to work out, and then I get home, tired, with only a couple of hours to catch up with J before we both fall into bed. Do I have the time and energy necessary to devote to another deep relationship?

I think my lesson is this: Perhaps casual sex is just what works for now, and perhaps life will hand me another kind of opportunity when I am ready for it. Instead of constantly looking to what the other side of the fence looks like (NSA vs SA sex), I want to try to be content with whatever configuration of relationships in my life looks like, and accept them for what they are. (Ha, I realize I have written so many posts about this. It’s my life’s work.)

Unreasonable People & Lies

I love my “Psychology Today” magazine. There are always pieces that feel relevant to me and my life, and always pieces that are thought-provoking.

This past issue had a couple of pieces that prompted this post. One, on MLK, discussed MLK’s likely manic-depressive personality, which fueled his assertion that: “Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.” To me, this is another [lovely] way of saying that social justice marches forward because of people who are willing to push the edges of norms and disrupt dominant discourse. To the dominant group, someone who questions norms looks “maladjusted,” when really, they simply have a different perspective on the world. Their “adjustment” to life is different. And difference creates change.

The cover article was about how our lives can be drastically shaped by the lies that we keep. Written by a woman who was married, and stay married, to a closeted gay man during the 60s and 70s, it discussed how keeping a lie will mold our internal and external experiences with ourselves and others. I appreciated this particular passage:

“We all have the unique ability to narrate our experiences-to ourselves. We are constantly processing and shaping the information that comes to our brains from our bodies and our senses. We organize all that input into narratives, which form the backbone of our identity. Some of them are about the past, others are about the present, and we use that same technique to imagine the future. In this way we can massage the chaos of our lives and transform it into our stories. This continuous conversation, much of which is unconscious, allows us to eliminate dangerous options. It helps us imagine survival strategies and even make good risk-taking decisions. These narratives are not immutable-they change as our experiences change-but they are fundamental. You have to reassemble your identity in a way that accounts for the new information.”

I’ve thought about how keeping stripping more of a secret has shaped my identity. Has it made me more guarded or closed off? Has it made me jittery or hyper-vigilant or anxious? Has it given me space and room to explore myself without informing everyone around me about my experiences? Are there perhaps both pros and cons in keeping a secret? How has my secret impact J and his internal state and his relationships?

Do you have any secrets that have impacted your identity and sense of self? What has your experience been like?