My Favorite Threesome Positions

My latest DatingAdvice post is now live: My Favorite Threesome Positions

Read on for my intro, and please go read the rest if you are so inclined 🙂

“How do you actually have a threesome? I mean, I get you put three fun and sexually adventurous people together, but what are the mechanics of it? How do you fit three people together?

We don’t see threesomes in mainstream media, so unless you watch porn, you may feel a little stumped or even duped (Do people actually do that? Does it really feel good?)

I’m here to help.”

What are your favorite positions? Any majorly hot ones I missed?

Picking Your Third

My latest DA post is live: “How to Pick Your Third for a Threesome”

Read on for my intro:

“You and your partner are ready to dive into some sexual explorations and want to invite another person into your bedroom. Who should you pick?

When J and I invite people into our bedroom, we do so based off some broad principles (which we have talked about before inviting others into our bedroom, and in some cases, figured out together after a disappointing experience).

1. Are we both attracted to the person?

Even if we are going to have an MFM in which J and the other man are not sexually into one another, it’s still important that J be intellectually and mentally connected to the other man.

Determining if we both dig someone else’s vibe, physically and energetically, is an important first step.”

Do you have certain criteria for inviting someone into your bedroom for a threesome?

Hotwife Ethics

I came across this search time that someone used and then found my blog, and I’m not totally sure what was meant behind the phrase. But, I’ll take a stab at it anyway.

The ethics of hotwifing parallel the ethics of ethical nonmonogamy, at least in my experience.

Good experiences are built around transparency, honesty, communication, and consent. Hotwifing, one option part of the larger ethically nonmonogamous umbrella, requires all people involved to understand their motivations, desires, and role as best they can  in order to fully conceptualize and consent to the relationship- whether that relationship is a primary partnership, friends-with-benefits relationship, or fuck buddies relationship (and obviously other secondary or simply other relationships present- I mentioned the others since they seem to be more common in a hotwifing relationship dynamic).

More broadly speaking, hotwifing relationships are ethical if all parties involved want said relationship. If you are concerned about the ethics of nonmonogamous relationships (like how ethically nonmonogamous relationships go against the grain of social and religious norms), then I would suggest doing further reading and reaching out to folks practiced in the area.

More specifically, the hotwifing dynamic can introduce some special twists. Male primary partners and husbands often want to know specific details about an encounter, to hide in the house or room and watch or listen to a sexual encounter (without the other partner’s or bull’s knowledge), and sometimes an ability to vet or veto any potential partner (and also sometimes to ask for boundaries around emotional attachment to other partners). I think that these kinds of boundaries can pose some grey ethical boundaries depending on the context.

Is it ethical for the hotwife to bring home a one-night stand while her husband hides in the closet and watches and listens? What if that one-night stand turns into a regular partner? Can the husband continue to hide and watch/listen? Should the wife inform the other partner?

Similarly, is it ethical for the hotwife to divulge any and all details of a sexual encounter she had last night with a one-night stand to her husband? What if it’s with a regular friends-with-benefits?

On these issues, I tend to fall like this: If it’s a one-night stand, you owe the one-night stand your respect, honesty, and authenticity. If they ask you a question about your relationship, your safer sex practices, or how your male partner feels about something, you should answer honestly. Later, you can tell your husband everything (it’s also okay in my book if he was secretly present to watch or listen). However, if that one-night stand turns into something more long-standing, then the hotwife and/or husband have a responsibility to fully inform the other person of the degree to which the husband likes to be involved in the escapades, whether that is through voyeurism, participation, or in-depth knowledge. This gives the other person the ability to fully understand the relationship dynamics, his role, and therefore the ability to consent to the relationship. This also leads us to the possibility of a bull relationship (FWB or fuck buddy) turning into something more: making sure that your other partner understands any limits or boundaries around your relationship together will go quite a ways in preventing unnecessary heart ache.

Have any other specific questions about the ethics of hotwifing? Comment here or email me!

Have any thoughts about this? Comment and let me know!

Double Vaginal Penetration

Occasionally I like to write posts based on search terms that have directed readers to my site. This and the next post are based on said search terms.

Double Vaginal Penetration (aka DVP)

It sounds like a move-made-for-porn (and who knows, maybe it was). Who would want that? Why? How do you even do that?

As someone who has engaged in DVP a few times, I have some advice and insight to offer, although my perspective is limited.

1. Double penetration does not necessarily equal double cocks. J and I first started flirting with this idea by using both his cock and another dildo inside of me. It is tricky to maneuver (and not the same as having two live cocks), but you can experience a similar amount of fullness, stretching, and pleasure from it. I’ve found this to feel best with J on top of me and then sliding a dildo inside underneath his cock.

2. The vagina can stretch remarkably large- hello! Babies get birthed out of that thing. Of course your vagina can stretch large enough to accommodate more than one cock at a time. But…

3. Like preparing for fisting or inserting any large object, it’s important to warm up slowly and well. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and that you are doing what you usually do to be turned on optimally (dirty talk, oral sex, fingering, porn, etc.). If something doesn’t feel right, stop. If something hurts, stop. Know your own anatomy and pay attention to the signals you receive from your body. I know that for me, I have a number of smaller folds of skin that can get irritated quickly by too much friction of too much of something inside of me- it’s important to slow down, add more lube, and communicate.

4. Feel comfortable with your partner(s). Not just for safer sex purposed, but for ensuring your ability to stop the activity if it starts to feel uncomfortable in any way. Especially with safer sex considerations, it’s important that everyone feels comfortable being so close all at once.

5. It’s hot. If you already know you enjoy MFM group sex, then this is a really amazing position addition. My go-to positioning is to ride one person and have the other enter from behind like in doggy style. I generally slide onto the one cock, and let the person behind enter. From there, it just takes some experimentation with coordinating movements. I’ve found that everyone has a pleasurable time of it.

Have you ever done DVP? Do you have any other suggestions for how to have DVP happily, safely, and pleasurably?

Talking About Desires

My latest DatingAdvice post is live today: “How To Tell Her What You Want in the Bedroom”

Here’s the ending; make sure to go read the rest!

“How important the desire is to you?

Is this something you are willing to compromise on? Would you be OK not ever experiencing this particular thing with this person? Is your desire non-negotiable?

Ideally, you should have a sense of how flexible you are with your desires so you can let your partner know where you stand, giving her a fair chance to make an informed decision.

Key ingredients to healthy intimate relationships include honesty and a willingness to be vulnerable. While it may sound terrifying to open up about things you want in your erotic/sexual life, you will have more satisfying relationships in the long run.”

What has helped you talk to your partner about your fantasies? Writing and reading this post of mine, I feel like the answer is so obvious- am I missing anything? Is it any more complicated or complex than pulling up your big-person pants and talking to your partner about your desires and fantasies?

When Fantasies Hurt

I have seen a few different search terms in my stats that indicate people are searching for resources around what to do when a particular fantasy is hurting their relationships. I think the idea behind this scenario is that a partner has shared a fantasy with you and perhaps now you feel insecure about yourself or your relationship and maybe you wish you didn’t know about the fantasy. Maybe your partner is so insistent on sharing the fantasy, or even making it materialize, that you are closing yourself off from your partner and are starting to feel like you are sexually incompatible.

That is a tricky, and probably painful, situation. What do you do?

First, I think it’s important to recognize that everyone has fantasies. We probably have different fantasies, but we are entitled to our own. They are ours, just like our feelings and thoughts are our own. Try cultivating your sense of independence around your fantasies and work on respecting your partner(s)’s imaginative boundaries as well.

Second, it can be helpful to view the sharing of fantasies as an intimacy-building component of a relationship. Viewed from this light, when a partner shares a fantasy, they aren’t doing it to make you feel less-than or insecure about yourself or your relationship, but because they feel close enough and safe enough with you to share a vulnerable part of themselves. It could even be viewed as a form of coming out, depending on how deeply someone has held onto a fantasy, and how much it makes up their sexual identity.

Third, it could also be helpful to work on assessing your own sexual intelligence and your ability to be GGG (Dan Savage’s acronym for good, giving, and game), in addition to your sexual soft and hard boundaries. Is the fantasy initially squicky to you? Can you imagine indulging it in some way, in some circumstances? Are you willing to talk about it or try it? Is it something that is absolutely non-negotiable to you?

Fourth, I think that Dan Savage has it right regarding the idea that people deserve to evaluate relationships not just based on traditional compatibility measures (personality, finances, living, kids, religion, etc) but on sexual compatibility as well. Try thinking of sex as a distinct category that you can use in evaluating your relationship with someone. It doesn’t make you shallow or ungrateful to evaluate a relationship based on your sexual compatibility: it makes you honest and it shows you are invested in assessing the long term sustainability of a relationship. (Obviously, determining how important a sexual incompatibility issue is to you is important in this as well. Maybe the sexual incompatibility isn’t that important to you, and maybe it’s a huge deal. Only you can answer that.)

Fifth, approach your partner with your honest feelings and thoughts around the fantasy sharing and start brainstorming possibilities for moving forward. Is the fantasy triggering some insecurities for you? What do you need from your partner? Do you need your partner to stop sharing the fantasy with you? Do you simply need some emotional reassurance? Would it be helpful to have some boundaries around sharing- for instance, we can talk about the fantasy a few times a week, and other times need to be reserved for other erotic play/talk?

Lastly, if the fantasy is taking up a large amount of space in your relationship (maybe it’s turned into a “third partner”) and it’s not a presence you want at all in any way, maybe it’s time to come to terms with the fact that you are not sexually compatible and move on to more compatible relationships. (And: if your partner is pushing you to do things that you are not comfortable with, that is another flag that your relationship is not sustainable. If you are uncomfortable, that is a sign that the fantasies may not be for you and maybe that your partner is not respecting your feelings and boundaries, which is not a healthy or satisfying way to be in relationship with someone.)

I’ll say for myself that J and I have gone through a little bit of this. Not in terms of really sharing fantasies that hurt one of us (at least to my knowledge) but in carving out specific times for specific kinds of erotic play (“we’ve talked about that a lot this week, I want to talk about this other fantasy tonight”). I have also had flashes of jealousy before in hearing some of J’s fantasies, but those feelings have largely been founded in fears that the fantasy would turn into reality and feeling like I wouldn’t be able to handle it right then. When I can ground myself in the moment and see the hotness of his fantasy myself, I have calmed myself down quite a bit, and been able to enjoy our erotic sharing (and, am also able to emotionally calm down over the long run with the confidence that I could handle it if the fantasy turned into a reality).

Have you ever shared a fantasy that has hurt your partner in some way? Have you ever been hurt by a partner’s fantasy? How have you negotiated that?

Performance Anxiety During Group Sex

My next DatingAdvice post is live today: What If You Can’t Perform During Group Sex?

I think this is a common thing for people (not just men) to be concerned about. Female bodies just have the luxury of hiding their physical arousal or non-arousal more easily.

What have you done during a group sex encounter when you experienced performance anxiety? What helped you?

Here’s the conclusion of the article; go read the rest if you’re so inclined! 🙂

“If your cock isn’t hard, there could be a number of reasons.

In a group sex situation, often a non-erect cock has more to do with self-pressure to perform, nervousness or unfamiliarity with the situation or partner(s) than it does with attraction or interest in the situation or people involved.

Simply talking about it with your partners can help redirect your attention and energy away from one of your body parts to engaging with the people in the room. Offer to go down on someone or make out with someone.

Do your best to be present and if you become physically aroused, awesome. If you don’t, awesome.

If you are in the presence of other sexually intelligent people, then they will respect your body and communication and go with the flow, too.

Just have fun, relax and enjoy yourself. How many people get to experience group sex, anyway?”

Three Ways To Get Into the Lifestyle

My most recent post for DatingAdvice went live today. My editor asked me to write a post “for men” on how to to get into the lifestyle. It reminded me of the question I received a while back from a single man wondering how the same thing; that post is also worth checking out.

Here is the first part; please go read the rest if you are so inclined! 🙂

“I have had men ask me before about getting into “the lifestyle,” which to me denotes ethical non-monogamy.

The lifestyle is often the phrase used by swingers to talk about the swinging lifestyle, but I’ll expand the use of it here.

How can they get into it without seeming like an uncaring dude? How do they broach the subject with a current partner? How do they find like-minded people?

1. Know yourself.

Get to know your reasons and motivations for exploring non-monogamy. Be brutally honest with yourself.

The only way you will be able to engage in ethical non-monogamy is if you are able to articulate your reasons to yourself and any partners you have. Don’t be embarrassed or scared to admit to yourself what you really want and why.

Do you want to explore particular kinks or fetishes? Do you simply want sexual variety? Do you fall in love easily and want the freedom to love multiple people?

Write down some of the pros and cons you see in having your ideal relationship structure and let it percolate. This is a process, and your desires, needs and wants will change and can change often.

As long as you are able to be honest with yourself, you have taken the first step in communicating what you want to others and making it happen.”

Social Work & Dancing

On Dan Savage’s most recent episode (Episode 375; we listen to his Magnum version) he took a call from a social worker who was considering dancing as a way to have a bit more money. She asked for his advice regarding whether she should dance or not, given the risk of running into clients or their families, and also regarding whether this would impact her future dating opportunities. I thought his advice was pretty spot-on: he recommended not dancing if she wanted to remain risk-free from running into clients and from impacting her dating chances (although I am glad he threw in the caveat that he would want to weed out asshole men who care about a woman’s past or current stripping experience). I decided to email him about my experience and offer some other ideas.

I think if the caller danced in a different area of town or a different town completely from where she performs social work, she could dance. She could also wear a wig and take on a persona very different than her social work persona. All of that would help lower the risk of running into current or former clients (and/or their families). Also, she should read her code of ethics (probably the NASW code of ethics) and maybe even consult a lawyer who specializes in health providers and ethics codes. It’s definitely not risk-free to be a sex worker and health provider simultaneously, but there are ways to mitigate the risk and be a professional and competent provider.

There is also a blog written by a woman who does both dance and provide therapy; y’all should check it out: www.striptherapy.wordpress.com

I also wanted to pass along this article that this wonderful writer posted; she is a social work student (*disclosure- she references my blog in her post): Against Role Models

Who Is Marriage For?

This post has been all over the place. I am grateful for this response that was published, although it doesn’t capture my feelings and thoughts.

Who is marriage for? Is it for you? For you partner? For your future family? What if you don’t want to raise children?

“Getting married” is, to me, a distinct issue from being in a long-term, committed relationship. When we talk about the actual act of “getting married” we are talking about a legal and financial agreement. However, I am aware that in the popular lexicon, “getting married” means making the final, absolute decision to remain with one partner f-o-r-e-v-e-r. No wonder Seth and pcrowling were freaked out before they had their respective weddings: committing (monogamously) to one person for the rest of your life is a freaky decision.

Being in a relationship, of any flavor, should be a balance between your needs and desires and personality and those of your partner. That being said, people are entitled to make certain sacrifices if that is how they feel they should ethically operate within a relationship (Seth, for example, found solace in thinking about getting married for his wife and future family). My big caveat is: as long as those who are sacrificing are intentional about their decisions and don’t blame their partners for the sacrifices they have made. (Don’t be a martyr!)

It just so happens that my latest DatingAdvice post went live today: Can You Have Marriage & Kids in an Open Relationship? Here is a snippet; be sure to go read it!:

“How does marriage fit with an open relationship? What about having kids? Do I want those things?

Legal marriage is, to me, just that: a legal document dictating a financial agreement with a partner.

Therefore, getting legally married is a financial arrangement and agreement and can overlap with any relationship structure, given it is between two people (and in many states still, two straight people).

Legal marriage is not allowed between more than two people in any states.

This part is less important in my relationship.

While we both see the practical benefits of getting legally married (and so we probably will soon), it is less important than being clear on our other relationship agreements and maintaining transparency, trust, communication and commitment to one another.

We know many people who are married and have open relationships, and their reasons for getting married ranged from the practical, financial and legal benefits, to the practicalities of raising children together, to the symbol of being in a long-term and loving relationship.”